In the Whole Wide Room

Bloggin' here, bloggin' there.

2010-01-24T17:21:00.000-08:00

Last week, Ann e-mailed me and asked why she couldn't find my new blog entries. Well, because there aren't any. I've been busy lately, primarily with my other crafty blog endeavor, but also with life. You know.

But life is kind of poopy right now. My cat and husband give me sanity, but my job is stupid and it's really putting a damper on things.

See, I work with kids, and I like working with kids. But the whole professional (or lack thereof) aspect of my job, where I have to interact with adults who are in charge of determining how things at my place of employment run, makes me crazy. Absolutely crazy. Because we're a small non-profit, everyone is expected to just pitch in and make it work and cover for everyone else to get things done, and I'm feeling kind of done with that. I've had a lot of "coverage" (substitute teaching on our planning periods) lately since people have been absent, and I feel like I've been given the short end of the stick as far as scheduling is concerned with a lot of tough kids, and I feel discouraged after an attempt to apply for a position that would have been a promotion, and the position going to someone else. None of these things along are enough to make me dislike my job, but together, they make me insane.

I'm a pretty sarcastic individual, and I'm ok with coming off a little darkly. But in my place of employment, this is a big no-no, and I feel like a miserable and bitter person because it's very frowned upon NOT to be happy-go-lucky and adaptable and flexible all the time. And those three words do not describe me. So in addition to feeling frustrated, there is no one to just sit around and bitch to about the frustration...and sitting around and complaining is key to my coping. It just is. So when I do complain, I feel like a bad person, and when I feel like a bad person, I feel like I don't belong at my job, and when I feel like I don't belong at my job, I feel anxious that my work colleagues think badly of me, and when I feel anxious I get miserable.

So blech.

Here's the rub: The economy is bad. Turns out that's sucky. I'm in a position where I'm working on a plan to return to school full time starting this summer, and working toward my degree and licensure in school guidance counseling. Assuming this plan goes forward, all is well. The problem is, I want to leave my job now. Seriously. However, that would be dealing with 3-4 months of minimal employment on my part. The other unfortunate this is that dear husband has a job, but is currently contracted and not full-time. His teaching position is supposed to go full-time this summer, but it's not for sure yet. And until that is for sure...well, we can't really afford me going back to school.

So I can't quit. But the thought of another trimester at school makes me insane.

So that's where I'm at. Miserable at my job, barely holding my frustration together around my largely-silly colleagues, and wanting to get out without that option right now.

Blech.

On the bright side, I have a kitty.

Sucessful Marriage

2009-08-21T06:23:00.000-07:00

A couple weeks ago, I went to see the movie Julie and Julia. I was less than enchanted with the storyline about the woman cooking through the cookbook (although it did inspire me to create a blog with some theme and, you know, get a book deal and make millions...but that is less-than-likely to happen), but I was very taken by the marriage between Julia Child and her husband, Paul. Aside from being an adorable couple (which I attribute in part to their real-life partnership and in part to the magic of Hollywood and amazing actors), they were just so functional together, which was quite nice to see. No doom and gloom and discord for them. Thank you for the change of pace, Hollywood.

Now, I've always been very pragmatic about marriage, even before I was a married woman myself. I have never been under the illusion that marriage is a cakewalk or that there won't be tough times. I subscribe to the philosophy that marriage involves a choice every day; that you wake up every morning and recommit to your spouse, regardless of the feelings or happiness or frustrations that are a part of the current nuptial milieu. I admit to stealing this philosophy from the movie "Keeping the Faith," but it seems sound advice. I think that recognizing this as a philosophy BEFORE I got married allowed me the chance to really commit to the decision I was making the day I got married. It wasn't a whim, it wasn't all romance and hearts a-flutter, it was me committing to choose marriage each day of my life. I know it sounds ridiculously pragmatic and void of emotion, but this frame of mind is, for me, a solid underpinning for a strong marriage.

The beauty of my marriage thus far is that, along with this boring and practical undercurrent, married life has been fun! I genuinely enjoy being around Andy. We have fun, we laugh, we joke, we understand each others humor. We like to do the same things (well, some of the same things), and those things that we don't share as hobbies, we're tolerant of when the other partakes. In the movie, Julia and Paul seemed to similarly enjoy each other, even after several years of marriage, which was just so darn pleasant to see. I hope that as I grow older, and come into my own (in that hopeful, morphing and growing as one ages kind of way), Andy and I continue to enjoy one another, and have fun together. If we don't always, I'll continue to choose marriage, but I think that we'll be far happier if we're able to maintain the humorous and enjoyable connection we have now in our relative youth.

Creativity

2009-08-20T14:09:00.000-07:00

Once in awhile, I am filled with an urge to be creative. To literally create things. I'm feeling it now, burbling up from the inside, and screaming to come out.

The problem is channeling the creativity. When I was at home, I found Dad's old camera from middle school. Which is actually now MY camera because he gave it to me. When I was in high school, I went through a photography phases, and became slightly obsessed. And, if I do say myself, I was good, in an untrained kind of way.

But picking up the camera this time gave me a feeling of seeing things differently. I was amazed at the difference between digital and SLR photography. Not just the mechanics, which are, of course, different; rather, the mindset you must adopt in order to compose a shot with an old 35mm camera.

You cannot point and shoot. An SLR is designed in such a way that you must be patient to complete the act of taking a picture. First, you must compose a shot, looking with your naked eyes at the world around you, and figure out which small slice of what you see will make a photograph worth printing. Only then can you put the camera to your eye, and adjust the focus and the light. Sometimes, the picture you wish to take simply cannot be taken with the combination of light, film, location, and subject you have in front of you. You would end up with an overexposed negative, or perhaps a blur on the page. But if the light is workable (and oh, SLR, how much light you do require!), then you move onto the focus.

Dad's old Pentax came with a single lens. I have a zoom lens that I bought later, and it serves its purpose, but the non-zoom, simple lens forces you to work within limits, and use the constraints in a creative way. Often, in a single shot, you cannot focus on the entire scene in front of you, but must choose a foreground or background object on which to train your shot. These pictures have amazing depth.

I flitted around this past weekend shooting pictures of home, including many shots of my husband, and the surroundings I grew up in. In an act of sheer irony, I, forgetful about the processes involved with my beloved machine, popped open the door of the camera before rewinding the film, likely exposing the roll and ruining the pictures. I chalk it up as a learning experience, and hope to salvage a few from the beginning of the roll.

Off to Costco tomorrow, which I have been told does a quite nice job of developing. And then onto the magic of waiting for the prints.

Wedding pictures

2009-07-02T17:05:00.000-07:00

I had a relapse in my wedding photos obsession this week. So I made a slideshow. I think I am now cured.

I like being Catholic...usually.

2009-03-15T08:05:00.001-07:00

So, I consider myself a relatively liberal Catholic, but a Catholic nonetheless. My mom's is Catholic, my dad agreed to raise us as such, and my upbringing in my lovely little church at home in Ohio was a good one -- it's full of good people and good memories.

Yesterday, however, Andy and I were at Mass, and all was going well...until the homily took a political turn. Which is a red flag/flashing danger sign for sure. In the near future in Vermont (our current home state), this is a vote on whether gay/lesbian couples will be allowed to enter into marriages. Now, it is no secret to me that the Church is against marriage being anything other than one man, one woman, and it is something that I have accepted that I will just have to disagree on, but the tone of the sermon (by our priest who I really do like) was pretty negative. He used phrases such as "under a mistaken notion of equality" (which I'm sure he would also use if I argued that women should be priests), and at the very end, got very negative when he warned that if this were passed, "they" would demand that a priest marry them as their "right," and then priests would be considered civil disobedients and put in jail.

Now, I won't disagree that that might happen -- I know enough about Civil Rights movements to know that testing those limits is part and parcel of the struggle. But the characterizations that gay and lesbian people are out to jail the clergy is, I think, wrong. And I have to imagine that even if this passed, it would be pertaining to marriage in a civil sense. I don't think that they could force religious to change their views and perform sacraments that the religion doesn't believe are valid. Perhaps I'm naive, but I do have a certain amount of faith in the separation of church and state.

As my Dad always says, "If you're going to be Catholic, be Catholic." I have to disagree with him. I'm willing to take some bad with the good. But for the longest time, I had no framework for my gut feeling that homosexuality is NOT a sin, despite the fact that I consider myself to be a Catholic. I got one last year at Pre-Cana, however. At one point, our leader was talking about a formation of conscience, and how we have to pray about things we are unsure about, and allow our conscience to form. I think that my opinions about homosexuality have really developed under such a model. I know that the Church finds it wrong. I really feel in my heart, however, that is isn't. I'm suspicious of all the talk of a "natural order," when homosexual beings have been around since the beginning of time, and I'm not convinced that the ability to procreate has to be a criteria for "natural." I just can't wrap my head around that.

I'm hopeful, despite the horror that the diocese is feeling, that this particular issue changes to allow homosexual marriage, although I would also hope that church opinions would be respected, and that no clergy would be forced to perform any actions against his beliefs. I guess we'll see how it turns out.

Academia

2009-03-01T13:13:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago, I got a hankering for academia, and e-mailed my adviser from my master's program asking if she would second-author my thesis if I worked on turning it into a journal article for publication. She of course agreed, and told me to send her a draft when I had one.

I've been dragging my feet for weeks on said pare-down, and with good reason. It's a major undertaking, at least in theory -- the thesis was 100 pages plus, and a journal article needs to be around 20 to be submitted. I was dreading the task, but when the star aligned and I got a full weekend off from my part-time job, I figured it was a sign that I should probably take the plunge.

After hemming and hawing all day yesterday, I got up early this morning, and holed up in a nice little coffee shop with an espresso-laden drink that gave me the shakes, and a great soundtrack of 1940s music that they had playing. And about half an hour in, I found myself really enjoying my work, and missing academia. What I was doing was, for the most part, academia-light, but I loved being immersed in my research again, and putting together something that might (fingers-crossed) be put out there for other teachers/researchers/academics.

I got accepted into UVM for their MAT program for next year. This is a part of the hoop-jumping I have to go through to be a real live certified teacher. Part of me is excited, and part of me is groaning internally. This kind of writing and research won't be involved, and I know going in what to (generally) expect. But it WILL be learning, nonetheless, with people who want to learn and discuss and improve their teaching, and that, at least, will be mentally stimulating to a degree. But today's work has started a twinkle within me to think about doing the Ph. D. thing in the future...maybe even in education, which I swore up and down that I would never do. I guess the distance I have from last year has given me a little perspective...but I would still have a lot of mental convincing to go.

Rubik's Cube

2009-02-17T17:47:00.000-08:00

I have a new addiction. It is the Rubik's Cube.

My officemate, Rachel, spent some time a couple years ago recovering form a surgery, and in that time, she learned how to solve the Rubik's Cube. After a quick lesson and some tips on how to solve the first face, I was hooked.

I bought my own cube last week, and have dedicated at least an hour or two a night to it. I spent my whole planning period Monday maneuvering tiny plastic blocks. Before this obsession, I liked to fancy that I had some semblence of spatial intelligence. I have quickly learned that I don't. At least not this kind.

Today, however, after several days of stuck-ness, I solved two layers of the cube. If you orient the cube so that the top is one color, then the top and middle layer are also solved. Life is sweet.

Only 25 more hours to go, I'm betting. On the bright side, I have a plane ride ahead of me on Friday.

Balance

2009-02-16T04:01:00.000-08:00

I just started a part-time weekend job, since I was feeling the crunch of not saving much this year. It's really pithy money, but makes me feel good to have an extra $50 every couple weeks to stash away. And the discount doesn't hurt, either.

I worked two days this weekend, and I don't remember loving retail this much! When I was at Penney's in high school, it was torture -- probably because I was overworked. But this job at Eddie Bauer is great. It feels so relaxing, and relatively carefree, and no ones lives or futures hang in the balance of my every decision. (Not that I dislike my other job where that IS the case, but the break is nice.)

I was feeling a little melancholy post-wedding, because all of my time which had been sucked into wedding planning was free and I didn't know what to do with it. This job is part of the solution; so was joining the gym, and deciding to do some work on my thesis to get it published in a journal. I think that staying busy is the key for me. I do better at getting things done when I have more to manage. In college, I was never so productive with getting my work done as when I spent 20 hours a week marching with the back and had to work around that.

I think that's an important thing to know about yourself, the right balance to staying sane. I get tempted to "take it easy" sometimes (and that's important!), but I really am happiest when I have a lot to do.

My Thing

2009-02-03T14:56:00.000-08:00

Today after work, we had a meeting about professional development, and it was a real thinker for me. A couple things happened. First, we had to brainstorm our strengths and weaknesses, and share them with a group. I ended up in a weird group of people that I'm not sure really like me.

Sidebar: I've having an identity crisis at work. Everyone there is very Vermonty and sporty and outdoorsy, and while I admire that at all, it just so not me. I'm trying to figure out where I fit in socially, and I'm having a hard time. I have one good friend at work, which is nice, but then when she branches out and appears to be making friends with other people, I have panic attacks of "Wait, why don't those people like me? Why are they fascinated with her? What's wrong with me? Why doesn't anyone stop by MY room to chat?" (For the record, I know this is crazy and over-analytical and unhealthy thinking.) So, my theory this week has been to de-stress. I hang in my room, I don't lurk, I get my stuff done, and if socialization happens, it does and at least I'm being authentic and not trying to nose my way into friendships.

Back to today. So I end up in a group of the most outdoorsy and optimistic Vermonters of them all. They are both lovely people, but they're good friends, and I feel, as I've been saying for weeks, that they're just not my people. We have to share our strengths and weaknesses, and comment on each other and how we see them working with students (in a positive affirming way -- this is not as scary as it sounds), so I share with them that I think my strengths lie in the academic: I get how to plan a unit, follow it through, and assess my kids. On the other hand, I suck as working in community and connecting content to real life, which these two are rock-stars at doing.

Their feedback is all positive: "Great job being self-reflective...I think you're very creative with the kids, and you're theatrical! You should add that to the list." But when it gets to be their turn, the discussion centers around their thing.

At our workplace, it is natural for people to fall into a niche, a place where they belong in which they can thrive and share with the community. One guy is the film guy. One guy is the gardening/composting guy. A couple guys are the music guys, and a couple are lit guys. One girl is the artsy girl, another guy is a culinary guy. I desperately want a thing, and these two had them -- outdoorsy rec team-building and literature/speech. And I was left with a vague sense of "Where do I fit in?"

Immediately after that discussion, one of the program directors mentioned that she was starting a group after school that was going to be run like a college class, with journal reading, reflections, and writing assignments. Well, sign me up! I jumped all over that. She also mentioned an aside about how she was thinking about putting together a research piece for a periodical, and I jumped on that as well, approaching her afterward to offer to do research or write protocols or analyze data, etc. This is what I'm good at...unfortunately, it in no way affects our kids, because I can't teach them to be in college classes or write hard-core academic articles. And even if I could...how boring would that be?

So the good for today was the opportunity to participate in some academic stuff in the near future. The negative was realizing that I don't have a niche at work, and, even more depressing, I have no concept of what that niche might be. Part of the issue is that through a lack of communication, they hired me as a math/science teacher (ugh), and as a compromise are letting me teach English and Social Studies, meaning I am, once again, the jack of all trades without an opportunity to specialize in anything.

I guess I should brainstorm a list of "Things I Like to Do and Could Share with Kids." Maybe that will be an upcoming blog entry...

SAD

2009-02-03T06:22:00.000-08:00

There is a part of me that is really enjoying the snow this year. It's been a long time since I've dealt with the fluffy white stuff, and I did miss it.

But now, I'm done. I still like the snow alright, but I despise the fact that I cannot do anything outside (without bundling up and purchasing expensive winter-sports equipment). I am going stir crazy, and I desperately need a snow day (for sleep and rejuvenation) or spring. Nothing else will do.

I think it's just also that time of year when things are just blah. I feel blah. I'm excited to visit home in a couple weeks. Home may also be blah, but is it blah with comfort.

It Takes a Village

2009-02-02T14:16:00.000-08:00

There was a message board I frequented during wedding called Indiebride. One of the threads on this message board is filled mostly with "wedding recaps," in which recently-married brides post pictures and gush about how awesome their wedding was. I love this thread.

Recently, there was a woman who titled her post, "It takes a village...to have a wedding." She was talking about how she and her husband asked their friends and family to pitch in with talents to help pull off the wedding in lieu of gifts. It was such a nice idea, and I've been meditating on this recently.

Our wedding was not quite as "takes a village" as this other brides, but I did have a lot of help, and it really means a lot to me. But even beyond this, I have been thinking lately about wedding gifts. I know this sounds materialistic, and it is, and they are, but I've also been having a really lovely time over the past month thinking of the people who gave us our gifts as we've been using them. When I used my new cutting boards, I think of Mandy and Kathryn. When I sleep between our new sheets, I think of Frank and Aunt Mary. When I use my Kitchenaid mixer, I think of my aunts and uncles on Mom's side. And when I drink out of our new glasses, I think of Abby. When I used our new serving platter for our Superbowl party the other day, I thought of Brenda. Etc, etc.

I'm so grateful to have the amazing groups of friends and family that I do, and I'm reminded of them and their generosity and well-wishes every day. It's so nice!

25 Things About Me

2009-01-31T06:15:00.001-08:00

This meme has been flying around on facebook, and I figured I may as well post it here as well. It was a good opportunity for some self-reflection:

1) I love food. I also love cooking and baking, thankfully.
2) I am extremely thankful that my parents raised us Catholic. I have a couple major beefs with the Catholic church (including their stand on homosexuality and women in the priesthood), but my faith has been a big part of my life.
3) I crochet, and have gotten to the point where I can create things like sweaters and stuffed animals. Huge move from the old scarf rut.
4) I'm terrible at bowling...and I love it.
5) My life was empty before I began sleeping under an electric blanket.
6) I'm in the midst of a Vermont winter, and while it is causing a slight touch of SAD, I really am enjoying the snow after several years in the south.
7) Speaking of the south, I will never live there again.
8) I love my job teaching at an alternative high school. I think I have found my calling.
9) I think that doing good in the world is really important, but I hate when people get mushy about doing service. I don't want to reflect, I want to take action.
10) I must wear a watch at all times. I get extremely anxious if the time is not readily available.
11) I give blood regularly. I am type A+.
12) I want a Ph. D., but don't have any topic I like well enough to dedicate that much of my time and energy to.
13) When I was younger, I wanted to be a genetic counselor when I grew up. One semester of college chem changed my mind, but I still think it would be a cool job, and I'm not convinced you need the high-level science knowledge to perform it.
14) I miss my old SLR camera.
15) I always considered (and still do) myself to be very independent, which is why I felt cool traipsing around to places like Ireland, Australia, Lousiana, Virginia, and Vermont. Now that I'm an adult, thought, I totally get why people want to live close to family. I miss my zany parents and my brothers.
16) I don't do musical snobbery. I like to listen to music, and I certainly have my faves, but I hate sitting in on conversations where people just spit out hundreds of names of bands and artists and everyone else nods and "yeah!"s with great emphasis. I could also really care less about live music in general. I mean, if someone good is playing, cool, but "It has live music!" is not an advantage of a bar/restaurant for me.
17) I love trivia. Andy and I are well on our way to memorizing the deck of the 1981 Genus edition of Trivial Pursuit. We also watch Jeopardy nightly.
18) I am extremely grateful that my husband is intelligent in ways that are different from me.
19) For the first time in my life, I really GET the idea of multiple intelligences and see it playing around me daily. I mean, I understood it before, but didn't really see the true worth in the intelligences that weren't the typical school ones (i.e. linguistic and logical/mathematical). In my current job, however, there are teachers and students who blow me away with the combinations of intelligences they possess, and I think they're all amazing in the ways they work together to get things done.
20) I tap-danced for 11 years.
21) When I watch a stage performance, especially a musical, I feel a swelling in my chest and feel as if I will burst. I'm pretty sure that given the right circumstances, I could have been an amazing stage actress in musical theater.
22) I agonized for months over whether to change my name when I got married. I think I made a good choice.
23) I don't believe in soulmates or The One.
24) I address my parents by their first name.
25) I desperately wish I had a sewing machine and knew how to use one. My craftiness productivity would skyrocket.

I shall call you by a new name

2009-01-24T07:10:00.000-08:00

I have a new name.

Those of you who keep up with the blog (all three of you) know that for some time before the wedding, the question of the name change was The Big Looming Question. Should I keep my name out of principle (i.e. Why should I have to change it when he doesn't?) or hyphenate as a nod toward having a family name and, ultimately, sharing a name with my children? Taking his name and dropping my own was never an option.

About three weeks before the weekend, after literally a year or more of waffling, I decided to hyphenate.

After a wedding in VT, you have to wait a bit to get your marriage certificate from the country clerk before you can get the name-change ball rolling. Ours came while we were away for the honeymoon, and since then, I've been chipping away at all the people who need to know my new name. Social security first, then bank, driver's license, etc. It's a process that, although time-consuming, I have not found to be troublesome in any way. It's one of those situations where people do this all the time, and it turns out that the world is pretty good at handling the steps.

The strange part is getting used to the new name. I don't feel absolutely wild about it, although I still feel good about the decision. But it's strange to call a place of business, like the gym where I want to get a membership, or my insurance company, and begin with, "Hi, my name is Rebecca Wxxxxx-Pxxxxx..." instead of just "Rebecca Wxxxxx." In fact, the other day I forgot my new name, used my old one, and when the woman went to look me up in the computer, I had to sheepishly correct her. It felt like I was committing fraud and didn't completely memorize the information from the person whose identity I was stealing.

And then there's the issue of just stating the name for people. When I had to get a new library card, and I was asked, "And what's your name?" I replied, "Rebecca Wxxxxx hyphen Pxxxxx. P-x-x-x-x-x." I need to stop saying "hyphen" as if it is part of my name and letting people ask the questions they need, but I'm not to the point where the name feels natural enough to NOT explain it. It's as if I'm anticipating their confusion because I still feel a bit of my own.

There's a part of me that's still a little sad that I have to be the only one to go through the process. Shouldn't this process of merging into a new family be equally shared by both partners? My heart says yes, but my head, which has done a lot of genealogical research in my day, recognizes the simplicity of the patrilineal system, and can appreciate that.

I think this benefit of this whole process is to remind me that marriage is a compromise. That we're an us now, and need to think that way much of the time. It's not an easy process, especially for someone who has clung with a death grip to her independence, but the lesson is an important one.

Give Life

2009-01-23T21:15:00.000-08:00

Today, I got a bumper sticker for my car. This is a big deal for me. Growing up, George (my father) was very anti-bumper sticker. We would bring home the "My child is an honor student" stickers, and he would say "Oh, great!" and discreetly put them away in a stack in a drawer. Marring the outside of the car was a no-no.

But now I have a car. I dipped my toes into the pool of bumper stickers when I put the "Covered by the blood of Jesus" magnet on the back of my car. I admit to doing it somewhat in jest, but I keep it on there still today as a reminder of my crazy time in the South. Today, however, I found the bumper sticker that I feel confident I can put on my car without regret: a "Got Blood?" Red Cross blood donation sticker.

I've become a frequent blood donor over the last couple years. It began in Louisiana when they desperately needed blood after Hurricane Katrina. My good friend Rebecca was going, and asked me to come along. I said "Sure," and was hooked.

Giving blood is a nice feeling. I feel grateful that I can do it without passing out. I enjoy seeing how quickly I can fill my pint bag (in a safe way, of course: 5 minutes, 55 seconds today!). I like the rhythm of the Blood Donation Center here in town: people making packets of bags and tubes, people called into and out of the screening room, the friendly volunteer insisting you sit for ten minutes and eat a donut (Well, if I must). I also secretly adore walking out with a neon-colored bandage around my arm. It's a peaceful place, and ours is run efficiently, which I appreciate.

But beyond that, I think I like the idea that it's so simple to do something good. It's an easy act of giving, one that doesn't take a lot of time or money, but one that can have a huge impact. I don't think too often about where my blood goes, but to the people getting a tranfusion, I recognize it's a lifeline. Sometimes literally.

So I think I'll take the plunge, and put that sticker on my car. I may regret it if I ever want to sell the car, but for now, I'm pleased to have found a sticker I feel happy about.

Grad school...redux

2009-01-21T13:21:00.000-08:00

I am applying to grad school.

Again.

When I posted this status on facebook, my nerdy friends ohh-ed and ahh-ed and asked what programs I was looking at. I was ashamed to admit that it's another master's in education. This time in Middle School Social Studies and English.

But wait, one might say, I thought you already had a master's in education!

I do.

But wait, one might say, I thought you already had a license to teach middle school. Science right?

I do. But not in Vermont. Stupid state.

The world of interstate licensure for teachers is a vague and frustrating world. It is built on the premise that you will go to a four year college for education, and that you will stay in the same state for your entire career. Try to take some sort of alternative path or, (NO!) move to another state, and life becomes difficult.

The following is true:
-I want to be licensed to teach. Regardless of whether I need that license for my current job (I don't, although I get paid more when I have it).
-I could do another alternative licensure process and try to get licensed to teach Social Studies by making a ginormous portfolio and paying some committee more than $1000 to evaluate it. Then I would be licensed to teach SS in Vermont. But if I tried to move again, who knows.

The most long-term option is to suck it up, pay tuition, and go through a real master's of education program in teaching. Then, I will get a license from Vermont, and it will be recommended by a four-year accredited institution, which, as I have sadly found out, appears to be the key to this whole mess. Imagine...

Dorothy (Becky) goes up to the gate of the Emerald City (State Department of Ed). "What do you want?" asks the creepy man.

"I want to see the wizard (get a teaching license)," replies Dorothy (Becky).

"No."

"I graduate cum laude from the honors program at a top-twenty university."

"No."

"I have experience teaching. In a low-performing district. I made SIGNIFICANT GAINS!"

"No."

"I have a master's degree in education."

"Oh?"

*mumbles* "Gifted education."

"We don't have that in this place (Vermont)."

"Well, my colleague the scarecrow here has no brain and studied bulletin-board making in his undergraduate program. He has no content expertise, but he CAN create an attendance chart and time-out corner. It took him twenty tries to pass the Praxis, and even then he just squeaked by. But he has a teaching degree from an accredited college/university."

"Well, that's a horse of a different color! Come right in!"

I think that little sketch explains perfectly the problems I have with the education teaching system today (at least as far as licensure is concerned). I'm not saying that there AREN'T good teachers who go through the traditional path. I'm not saying that all teaching programs are bad. And I'm not saying that everyone who wants to teach should be able to just jump right in. But cut me some slack -- I'm not just a bum off the street who's never been in a classroom, here.

The downside to this new option is going into debt for another degree that I don't feel like I need in order to be a good teacher. The upside is having the degree and license that will make me truly mobile and give me career options. And it sucks for the short-term, but in the long-term, I think it's a good decision for us as a family. There are a lot of ifs that have to happen for this to work, however. 1. Andy has to find a job in Vermont so we can stay here. 2. Andy has to find a job that pays what our two incomes currently make so he can support me for the year (and oh, how I cringe to say that). 3. My job has to agree to take me back, because my life will be a sad sad place if this job doesn't exist for me anymore. 4. My three recommenders have to actually WRITE the letters of recommendation.

But, for the time being, the name of the game is keeping options open. And from many angles, this appears to be a good one.

The big day...

2009-01-07T06:31:00.000-08:00

We did it. I'm married. And it feels pretty much the same as it did before the wedding, except I got to see all of my friends for an awesome party, and now I get to explain how to pronounce "Proulx" for the rest of my life.

The wedding weekend was fabulous and wonderful, and when the only minor problem is a broken bustle and too few people renting cars, you know things are pretty awesome.

We started the weekend with “Christmas” with our families, since we didn’t travel home for the holidays, which was really nice. This filtered straight into New Year’s Eve, complete with a dueling families Trivial Pursuit challenge (Yes, we are nerds), dominos, champagne, Dick Clark, etc. Good fun.

I went out with girlfriends the night of the 1^st for my own low-key bachelorette party. We tried to go to an Irish pub in town, but they were closing early because it was New Year’s Day (WTF?). Then, we waited for an hour at a restaurant across the street, but they couldn’t serve us quickly enough, so we ended up going out for pizza, which turned out to be awesome. After pizza, we met with my (underage) bridesmaid and went to see Benjamin Button, which was girly and ok…although the Hurricane Katrina subplot gave me some minor PTSD. All in all, it was a nice night with people I loved to see, with no drama and drunkeness which was wonderful and perfect for me.

The day before the wedding, I went to church with my mother and friend who were singing and playing for the wedding, so they could have a music rehearsal. My mother has a beautiful voice, and my friend lugged her tuba from NYC on a bus so she could play for us. Andy and I met in college marching band, and she was in the section with us, so it was lovely that she could represent! After rehearsal, I had dinner with Andy and one of our groomsmen, and went to sleep for a few hours before the real giant fun began.

Rehearsal was that night, and went well, and then, we all went out to our awesome bowl-o-rama rehearsal dinner. We spent the night bowling and chatting and eating and drinking, and had a blast. I was so relieved that our friends got along really really well, and everyone had a great time. My family beat Andy’s family in our

head-to-head bowling challenge, which was sweet redemption for their win at Trivial Pursuit.

Perhaps the best moment of the evening was when I looked over to see Andy and the groomsmen with bumpers up, and Andy losing the game. I went to chastise him, and he calmly explained, “No, we’re playing to see who can get the lowest score.” I cracked up. But the night was great -- we had people from college dorms and band, people from grad school, family, and most exciting, two of my friends from Ireland (I studied abroad there in high school) made the trip and were a huge hit, especially with the Notre Dame crowd.

The day of the wedding was cold and windy, but we had some sunshine, which has been a rare sight in Vermont
as of late. My motto of the day is, “Eh, what happens, happens,” and pictures, the ceremony, and reception went wonderfully.

We got married at the Cathedral downtown, then a limo took us to our reception at a hotel south of town, with a short stop to Ben and Jerry’s for some pints along the way. I got lots of comments and compliments on the homemade details in the wedding – our origami flowers, the cardigan I crocheted for myself and my Mom, the sash my friend and Grandma embroidered and sewed, my veil, our centerpieces/favors, etc.

It was great fun to see it all come together. The food was wonderful, the music was great, the dancing was fun, and afterwards, went to the hotel restaurant/bar to hang out with people.

Professional pix to come in...wait for it...10 weeks. Ugh!

You can do it. Channel the inner bridezilla!

2009-01-02T05:10:00.001-08:00

Last night was my "bachelorette party," which was decidedly un-bachelorette party-like, which is exactly why it was perfect. About 9 of my friends were in early enough to hang out, so we went for drinks and dinner (which was a trial of my patience, and we just ended up eating pizza), and then went to see Benjamin Button. Nothing crazy, nothing wild, and I was nervous about how all of my friends from different walks of life would get along, but in the end, it was totally pleasant and fun.

Wedding plans are steaming ahead, today is the rehearsal and bowl-o-rama. The only minor hiccup so far has been a shortage of cars -- everyone decided NOT to rent one. D'oh! But after I get my wedding party and wedding helpers to the church for the rehearsal, then there is nothing else I can do, and I just need to rely on the taxies in town. And really, if that is my biggest worry, then I am in great shape.

I am not mentally nervous thus far, but as I have aged, I have developed a heck of a case of stage fright, and right now, the thought of everyone staring at me as I go down the aisle is taking my stomach for a ride. Also, I can almost guarantee that my voice will be shaky and I will forget to breathe during vows. But, c'est la vie. Other brides have made it through and I can, too.

Lastly, people better dance at my reception.

And when I next post, I shall be Mrs. Walter-Proulx. Oh, excuse me, I think I just threw up a little in my mouth. (From the barfiness of anticipating my new name. Not from nerves.)

PS: Chava was delightful and thoughtful enough to honor me with this Uber Amazing Blog Award.

I cannot fathom why my little blog of randomness would be so blessed, but I thank her heartily, and apologize for not dedicating an entire entry to the award right now. In leiu, I will post a picture of the cardigans I have been crocheting, which she asked to see recently:

Other wedding crafts appear below:

Gluttony

2008-12-28T05:20:00.000-08:00

If I were ever to be guilty of one of the seven deadly sins, it would easily be gluttony. No, this is not a post about body issues, but a post about my love of food. I love food. I think I also love the act of eating, and it's comforting to me. When people are sad or depressed and say, "I just can't eat," I just don't get it. I can always eat, and I don't really have a "full" switch.

Until three days ago.

I don't know what my body is doing, but it isn't hungry. I'm not sick, I don't feel nauseous...I just don't have any desire to eat. I can think of some brides that would think, "Sweeet! Now I can lose 5 lbs. for the wedding!", and I hate to look a gift horse in the mouth but the truth is, I have a dress, and I need it to fit, and I don't need to lose any weight.

But, in the spirit of living life to the fullest, I've been trying to ride this wave of non-hunger, and see what it feels like to be a normal person, for whom thought of the next meal are not constantly on one's mind. In a way, it's kind of cool -- I feel like I can get more done with one less thing on my mind (and believe me, there is a lot on my mind this week!). It's also given me a chance to reflect on my regular eating behavior and mindset about food, and whether or not that's really healthy. On the one hand, I enjoy that I don't freak out about food and don't have those body image problems I did as a teenager (can you say "unfun?"). I enjoy being able to tell my students (especially my girls), "I love food," hopefully normalizing food for them and making it a not-scary object, giving them a different point of view than they may see in the media. On the other hand, from a health standpoint, I probably should eat a bit less, and I do ride that fine BMI line between "healthy" and "overweight" (this is, mind you, strictly medically speaking. Once again...I am not complaining about my body). In the end, I know it's all about "making healthy choices," a mantra that is repeated ad nauseum at work.

So, we'll see how long this little streak lasts but of all the times for food to become less appealing and less time-consuming, I suppose this is a good one. I have programs to print and errands to run and checks to mail and family and friends coming in this week to entertain.

I just hope that my appetite returns for the wedding cake.

Whirlwind

2008-12-22T14:08:00.000-08:00

Christmas is fast approaching, and I got my shopping done early.

The wedding is coming, and things are...well for the most part, done. I'm crocheting myself iteration 4 of my shrug to wear over my dress because, you know, we have a foot of snow on the ground and it's cold. If I have time to make 4 shrugs/cardigans (plus one for Ann), I can't be in too bad shape, right?

I'm applying to grad school again. To get licensed to teach SS and English. Collective groan for more school. BUT, logically it makes a lot of sense. 1) I can earn more money eventually if I am licensed in VT. 2) I get to teach subjects I ENJOY! 3) When children come (not now, not in the next year, but in the next 3 or 4), I will be done with schooling. For now. We'll see where our location sets us this summer when Andy graduates, and whether this program pans out, but the application, if nothing else, opens up some doors, which is never a bad thing.

Wedding gifts have started arriving. What fun!

Great Grandma's cinnamon rolls are coming up for Christmas day, and I made buckeyes this weekend. Chava, dear, behold the midwest treat (which you probably know about, but if not...try them).

Buckeyes

1 lb peanut butter
1.5 lb powdered sugar (but realistically, it will probably take extra to get the right consistency)
2 sticks butter/margarine
Mix above ingredients, and add powdered sugar to obtain cookie-dough-like consistency.
Put in fridge for about half an hour or so to firm up the mixture. Then, roll small balls of mixture, place them on a plate or cookie sheet, and refrigerate again for about 10 minutes (again, to firm up).

Melt in double broiler:
6 oz chocolate chips
1/4 stick paraffin wax
(May need to double or triple for appropriate depth)

Spear peanut butter balls with toothpicks, and dip most of the way into the chocolate, leaving a small circle of tan on top of the buckeye. Place back on cookie sheet/plate and refrigerate for a bit (20 minutes or so should do it, but longer won't hurt).

Pack into tins and give to all your friends! YAY!

Anticipation

2008-12-14T15:54:00.000-08:00

Advent is a nice time. I've never thought of it too intensely, but it's always festive and bright and lovely at Mass during the Christmas season, and it reminds me to prepare for Christmas in the right way.

This year, the anticipation of Christmas is doubled because, you see, shortly after Christmas another big day is coming for which we are also preparing...the wedding. I'm happy that we've decided to do a holiday wedding. The timing is nice, it will also be festive and bright, and I'll get to see many important people around an important time of year. But tally-ho are things busy around here!

I've said to my local friends a few times that I feel as if this is the first time I've really had a chance to celebrate the holidays since I began college. Every other year has been too busy and focused on things outside of the holiday season -- college, papers, project, grading, testing, etc. But this year, with a job that lets me, for the most part, leave the work at work, and with the Affianced and I having our own home (humble though our apartment may be), we've had a chance to decorate our first tree, put out my Nativity set for the first time in years, enjoy the Christmas specials on TV (along with an absurd amount of House), and it's been really nice.

So, although busy, this particular Advent season has been twice-anticipatory, and I'm getting more and more excited about both big days that are coming up!

Insanity

2008-12-10T18:02:00.000-08:00

When it rains it pours.

Life is good right now, but oh-so-hectic. It's the beginning of the trimester, which is alternately good and slightly insane. There's a new group of kids, new topics, which is fun and interesting, but the bad news is that in this first three weeks, we need to write unit plans.

I can hardly complain; at my old job, we had to turn in lesson plans for EVERY DAY. Now, we just have to turn in one vague document at the beginning of the trimester outlining what we're doing, and that's it. Done. So it's not such a big deal. But it is more work that the rest of the trimester, and it's a lot at once. Add on top of that the small matter of a wedding, and life can be pretty crazy.

I had an interesting conversation with my supervisor last week, about the rubrics we write that go along with the unit plans. I was asking her about some logistics in writing and using rubrics to assess students, and she said to me, "You know, I've meant to tell you...your rubrics are way detailed." The underlying hint was, "Dude, you don't need to work so hard." I've seen some rubrics/unit plans from other teachers, which, to be fair, are far more simplified, and I can see the appeal in that -- quicker to get done, can apply to more than one student, more flexibility on a class to class basis, etc. And I struggle with things like this, when I know that I could very well make things easier on myself and still be within the acceptable range. But I have a drive to overthink, overdo, overplan, and it really helps me to go into class feeling prepared. I know what's coming up week to week, I know the trajectory my students and I are taking, and coming from an education background, I can't feel ok with NOT giving each student and their class the personal attention of a thoughtful and personalized unit. So I toil, and give in to my slightly OCD nature on things like this, getting everything done just so. It's dually a gift and a burden, like so many things.

Meme

2008-12-05T14:45:00.000-08:00

For dear Chava, who tagged me:

Time for the MeMe... :-) The rules state that you must answer each question with only one word, so here goes:

1. Where is your cell phone? Bookbag

2. Where is your significant other? Computer

3. Your hair color? Boring

4. Your mother? Catholic

5. Your father? To-the-point

6. Your favorite thing? Food

7. Your dream last night? None

8. Your dream/goal? Improvement

9. The room you’re in? Bedroom

11. Your fear? Boredom

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Canada

13. Where were you last night? Sleep

14. What you’re not? Touchy-feely

15. One of your wish-list items? Warmth

16. Where you grew up? Ohio

17. The last thing you did? Reading

18. What are you wearing? Slippers

19. Your TV? Off

20. Your pet? None

21. Your computer? Lifeline

22. Your mood? Weekend!

23. Missing someone? Family

24. Your car? Eloise

25. Something you’re not wearing? Cheese

26. Favorite store? Target

27. Your summer? Beautiful

28. Love someone? Yes

29. Your favorite color? Green

30. When is the last time you laughed? Cribbage

31. Last time you cried? Hmmm

I'm supposed to tag five blogs. I don't know five blogs. So, I tag Sarah and Ann, and remind Ann that her blog was really wonderful for the month is lasted and perhaps it should start up again. :)

Pro-Life and the Election

2008-12-02T19:31:00.000-08:00

I don't keep up with many blogs, but I have a gateway into the Catholic blogosphere through dear Mimsy and Sarah. I enjoy the weekly Catholic Carnival (although I rarely have the time to read it thoroughly), and have found some good posts through it.

But one thing that has consistently irked me throughout the past election season are the Pro-Life/Pro-McCain/Anti-Obama-on-the-basis-of-his-pro-choice-stand posts that turn up again and again. Now, to lay it honestly on the table...I personally would consider myself to be pro-life in the sense that I hope and pray that abortion would end. But most Catholics would disagree with my self-label, because I don't think abortion should be illegal. I think this presents a host of tough logistical issues (i.e. more "back-room" and even more unsafe abortions inevitably happening with less quality medical care and safety for mothers/patients), and I also think it's a bad band-aid for the problems of people having unwanted pregnancies (such as lack of education, poverty, etc.). I know I'm liberal on this, and I know many Catholics disagree, and I'm ok with that. There it is.

Having said that, the aspect of this whole thing that bothers me, is that the bloggers who post about their pro-McCain status and claim the pro-life issue as the most important issue ignore a crucial fact: Both the candidates were pro-death penalty. It frustrates me to no end that the pro-life movement consistently ignores this facet of the "life" issue when painting McCain as a rosy pro-lifer because he opposes abortion. Abortion is not the only life issue at hand. One of the anthems of the pro-life movement is "respect for life at all stages, from conception to natural death." Lethal injection, electric chair, etc = unnatural death.

I'm not saying, by any means, that Obama was a better candidate for the life issue. He wasn't, and isn't. But I get very angry at the selective filter that I so often see Catholics apply to the information they receive and share, and this was a huge instance of that. I think it makes us look ignorant and inconsistent, and the world needs to see a better sense of logic from us, or at the very least an acknowledgement that some matters are far more grey than we care to admit; in this case, that so many Catholic's pro-life candidate isn't a perfect pro-lifer.

Stuffing

2008-12-01T17:35:00.000-08:00

A friend who, God knows, knows her way around the kitchen, asked for my stuffing recipe. To be fair, it is Dad's stuffing recipe, and, to be more fair, to call it a "recipe" seems generous. It is, rather, a "throw-together" of ingredients in quantities to suit ones needs and tastes.

George was not the primary cook in our house growing up. He did, however, have a few staples he contributed on an occasional basis i.e. chili, grilled cheese and tomato soup, biscuits and gravy, and all things grilled. In my adulthood, I have called home several times to request his recipes, and I get a vague list of ingredients and a set of the aforementioned "throw together" directions. This generally suits me just fine, as I tend to care little for measuring and precision in my cooking (I have learned throughout time that these virtues are more important to baking, however, and try to stick to them).

So, for dear Astra Libris, here is George's Thanksgiving Stuffing.

George's Stuffing

Some celery
Some onions
Some (lots of) butter
Some (more than you think you need) toast
Some (chicken) broth
Some salt
Some pepper
Some poultry seasoning

Directions:
1. Toast bread to light golden. Or charred burniness. Or slight crispness with mushy insides. It doesn't really matter. Let sit for awhile. Break or cut into cubes or small pieces and soak in chicken broth. (I added an old stale corn muffin to my bread "crumbs." It was good. I also used all bread heels since Andy and I tend not to like them for usual bread use.)

2. Sautee some celery and some onions in butter (lots if it's Thanksgiving and you're going for flavor, less if you're watching your figure). Let cook to desired crunchiness (totally soggy for me).

3. Drain excess broth from bread crumbs, or don't, if you like really moist stuffing. Mix veggies into bread. Add liberal amounts of salt or pepper, and more than liberal amounts of poultry seasoning.

4. Bake inside or outside bird. Consume in mass quantities.

Thanksgiving

2008-11-27T09:43:00.000-08:00

When I was growing up, I remember getting up "early" on Thanksgiving (which is relative when you have a father that rises at 6:00 am regardless of day of the week), and smelling toast. It was Dad's beginning of homemade stuffing, and it was my favorite thing to help with when I was younger.

Today is my first Thanksgiving alone, and although it's kind of sad in some ways, it's also my first chance to cook a Thanksgiving meal by myself, too, which is kind of exciting. I'm not going all out -- I bought Turkey fillets instead of a bird or breast, and, frankly, my mashed potatoes are coming from a box. But I did do the homemade stuffing thing, and it's smelling pretty awesome in the oven right now.

It's also nice because today I have the chance to make Thanksgiving anything I want it to be. I got up this morning to go to Mass, which was lovely. After the homily, everyone in the church brought up the bags of groceries they had brought to church as an offering for the needy, which was a really nice symbolic thing for Thanksgiving. I felt like a bum because I hadn't brought anything, but the giving tree is up in the back of the church, so I think Andy and I will take a couple of the family needs from there this weekend to buy for Christmas.

After Mass, I put on my iPod, queued up George Winston's Winter album, and went for a walk in the park. The weather here in Thanksgiving-perfect. Chilly, but not cold at all, a bit windy, and a little overcast. The park was pretty empty, but really nice, and I felt very autumnal.

And now, the mini-pies are in the oven, the turkey and stuffing are baking, and I'm awaiting a phone call from the extended fam at home. Life is good.

Flex class

2008-11-25T14:13:00.000-08:00

Today at work, we got our new schedules for the next trimester. This is an exciting thing, because we learn not only what we're going to be teaching (very broadly), but who we're going to be working with as far as students are concerned. My schedule this time had a big cool surprise: I get to work in a couple of flex classes, which are small, interdisciplinary classes with groups of students and teachers.

This is unusual for our school. Generally, the work we do with students is strictly one-on-one, but as students become comfortable being in groups and develop the skills to handle such interactions appropriately, they might move into one of these classes. Today, as I sat with two of the other three teachers and worked on planning out the first day of class, I was struck by how "intentional" we had to be as far as creating a group was concerned.

Now, "intentional" is a word that gets thrown around a lot at our school, to the point where it sometimes begins to feel meaningless. But being intentional is a big part of the work we do. We try to make sure that our students have intentional interactions with other students, as opposed to unplanned interactions. We try to make sure that the ways we speak to our students and the things we teach them are intentional, that we've thought them through in terms of their academic and therapeutic needs. It doesn't always play out to be quite as intense as it sounds, but it's a good overarching idea to keep in the back of our mind as we go through a day working with students who have the kinds of needs that our students do.

With this flex class, though, we did have to be exceptionally intentional about building up the idea of a group with these students. Luckily, all of them have had group learning experiences in the past, but in building relationship with one another in this context, we had to really think through the way we were going to address thinking of ourselves as a class; how we were going to help students' come to realizations about what they can expect from the group and what they can do to contribute to the group. It was an interesting process, and it really made me stop and think about why we do things as slowly and, yes, intentionally, as we do in our school.

It also made me realize how exceptionally lucky most of us are that we can build these types of relationships with one another without such intense guidance; but also how it really IS possible for our students to make progress (even when they seem like they can't) as long as someone is willing to take the time to break things down for them. Working in this job has really given me an appreciation of "individual differences," as we call it in education, and of the benefits of taking things slow. I've really had some epiphanies about what kind of person I am (quick thinking and quick moving and always busy with my hands in something) and the benefits of being another type of person with different kinds of gifts. I feel like I've done as much work on myself in this job as I've done with the students, which is hard but also very gratifying.

Name change update

2008-11-22T17:04:00.000-08:00

Today, I was talking to George, and he asked, "Hey, what's your last name?"

Clearly, it is still WXXXXX, but he was asking about the post-wedding name decision.

"It's undecided," I told him.
"Well, that's less decisive that the last time I talked. Look at you, turning traditional and anti-Vermont on us."
While that sunk in, I realized he thought I was deciding between hyphenating or taking the Affianced's name. "Uh, no...the decision is between hyphenating or not changing at all."
"Oh...so you are going all Vermont on us."
"Yeah."
"Well, good luck with that.

Trimester Fair

2008-11-22T16:55:00.000-08:00

Thursday was the Trimester Fair at school, which was a really awesome celebration of all the work that our students have been doing over the past few months. On this day, all of the teachers hang up or set out our students' final project, which range from posters to drawing to cartoon to photographs to essays to webpages to construction projects and furniture. It was a really beautiful display of diverse interests and learning, and I was so thankful to be able to see all of the student work. At the end of the day, our students' families and "teams" (people like social workers or guardians) came to see the work as well, and the students led a tour of the buildings, showing their team their projects. It was so awesome to see some of my very quiet students interacting with their families in an almost ranbunctious (and certainly very proud) manner as they showed off the work they did. I was so proud of them! I also got several compliments on one of the projects my student did especially, the one about Islam and Terrorism. It was really cool to see my students come to important concluions (i.e. Islam does not equal terrorism) on his own.

I'm thankful that the school takes the time to recognize these student achievements, as it would be very easy to just move through to the next trimester without taking the time to bask and celebrate. But that time was so important, and I'm very thankful to have been a part of it.

Get the ball rolling

2008-11-19T16:40:00.000-08:00

An assortment of random information/stories to get the blogging-ball rolling again.

Touched base with an old high school friend the other day, which was really wonderful, as I hadn't talked to her in ages and ages. We weren't super close, but she's a kind soul, and we've had a nice exchange of e-mails.

Tomorrow is the trimester fair, where our students display the projects they've been working on throughout the trimester. I put up all of my students' projects today, and my room is beautiful and full of accomplishment. I'm proud of the work we've done.

Funny school story: Last week, one of my students was making a poster of his "dairy farm," for which he had "bought equipment" the following week. "You still need to draw the tractor, and wagon, and pick-up trucks," I told him.
"They're there...they're invisible," he replied.
"Oh...well, tell you what. I won't make you draw them again, but could you just trace over the invisible ones so I can see them a little better."
(*Score one genius point for me.)

Next week, we get new work schedules -- new kids, new classes, new projects -- which I am looking forward to with equal parts trepidation and excitement. More work, but at least something different.

Andy is leaving me for Thanksgiving. I am sad to have him gone, but happy to have the apartment to myself. Also, I am making myself Thanksgiving dinner anyway. So there. Thank you to Mammy's care package of boxes of mashed potatoes and stuffing!

Wedding RSVPs are coming in, and BOY are they exciting. A lot of people aren't going to be able to make it, which I knew, but I LOVE keeping track of who is coming and what reply ratio we have, etc...have I mentioned I love Microsoft Excel?

That is all for now. Off for Top Chef!

Mosque

2008-10-10T12:40:00.000-07:00

I keep meaning to post about this, and just not doing it.

This past week, I took one of my students to visit the Islamic Society of Vermont's offices and mosque. My student and I have been learning about Islam, and doing some work with 9/11, terrorism, and Al-Qaeda and how it all fits together, and I was thinking that meeting someone who was Muslim and having a chance to see where they worshiped would be a good experience for him.

The mosque was a small building, and you could tell it served many purposes -- community gathering place, school of sorts, as well as having prayer space. But the gentleman who guided us ad gave us information was just phenomenal -- very down to earth and normal, which was a good experience for my student, to see that Muslims are very much like everyone else. We asked our guide about Ramandan, and about what it means to be Islam, and how he feels about Al-Qaeda and the war in Iraq (which is "I can't judge whether they are Muslim or not, but I can say that they are doing very bad actions" and "I don't really know -- that's a bunch of political stuff."). It was a really great visit.

On the way home, I was talking to my student, and he was telling me about what he thought. "You know," he said, "Before this class, I really thought that the war was us against the Muslims. But now I know that it isn't, really. They're just normal, and Al-Qaeda is just a small group of people who have extreme beliefs." In my head I was pumping my fist into the air and saying, "Yesssssssssss," while aloud I was responding, "You're right. And that's what he was talking about when he mentioned the media blowing things out of proportion and Al-Qaeda giving Muslims a bad name..." All in all, it was a really awesome experience.

Another student and I went out into the Winooski River this week. I put her in a pair of waders, which were about 10 sizes too big for her, but the look on her face when she realized she could walk freely through the water without getting wet, and when she caught a crayfish for our terrarium...priceless.

I cannot get over how much awesomer my job is than my last teaching experience. I hope that we can either stay here in Burlington for a few more years so I can milk as much out of this as possible, or that there are (please Lord) other schools and other places where teaching is not a torturous task. Because really, it shouldn't be...

Miscellaneous

2008-10-03T21:17:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about the phrase "Life is good," and how lucky I am that I can say that almost all of the time. When I think about the lives that some of my students have, in school and out, it makes me grateful that that is true for me, because I know for some of them, it's not true, because of family situations, or their own issues they deal with. Just something I've been pondering.

On happier notes, work continues to go really well. I really like my job, which is a relief. Until this job, I was thinking that perhaps I didn't actually want to be a teacher, that I had just been sucked into a field and now there was no way out unless I started something over from scratch (which sucks). Now...huge sigh of relief.

And on the wedding front...things are moving forward! I have invitations in hand (my good old pal Jason is awesome), we met with our pianist/organist this week and nailed down music for the ceremony (which includes some awesome non-traditional selections that I'm thrilled about!), and having these little pieces put together really makes things move along. I've talked to some friends who have started booking plane tickets and hotel reservations, etc, and it's all coming together! I'm so excited to see everyone in January.

And now, sleep like a coma.

Denied Three Times

2008-09-20T12:12:00.001-07:00

Today, I feel a little like Jesus. Not in the divine way, or the male way, or the dining with sinners way (although I guess I probably do dine with sinners sometimes), but because today I was denied for the third time by the American Red Cross. They don't want my blood because I don't have enough iron. The first time I tried to give, two months ago, I was actually in the anemic range, which was weird and a little scary. Now, I'm back up into normal range, but still not good enough to give blood and walk away unscathed -- or so they claim.

The denial hurt. Giving blood is my own little form of helping others. The good news today was that this denial gave me some time to wander around Burlington, and I was inspired to take some pictures. So I did.

Tomatoes

2008-09-20T12:06:00.000-07:00

We have neighbors who grow tomatoes. They have a farm at this place called the Intervale, which is a giant floodplain that Burlington rents out to local citizens who grow organic (only) food.

One weekend, our neighbors had a surplus of tomatoes, and put up a nice sign in the building saying, "Take as many as you want." I did. I made tomato sauce and a beautiful tomato and cucumber salad, seen below. I even documented it for posterity, because I thought the colors of the tomatoes were so beautiful. I called it Traffic Light Tomato Salad, for obvious reasons.

Taking Work Home

2008-09-13T15:23:00.000-07:00

One of the attractions of this new job is that during the interview process, I was told that they try to encourage employees to leave their work at work, and not take it home with them. While I haven't found this to be true yet, I have started to see the glimmer of light at the end of the busy beginning-of-trimester tunnel. Unit plans are due this week (we don't have weekly lesson plans due, thank goodness, just a rough outline of the trimester due in the first few weeks of school), and after that, it's mostly just sailing through and working on longer-term projects. Not that there won't be SOME planning involved...just not an exorbitant amount.

However, work continues to go really well. It's bizarre how positive my co-workers seem about the kids we work with. Not bizarre in a bad way at all -- it's really awesome to see a group of people who hold these kids who might be considered "troubled" with "unconditional positive regard." The language at the school is really positive; we call fits, tantrums, or behavioral issues "challenges." We "process" at the end of a day rather than venting. I'm not quite used to working in an environment that's so un-jaded; it's a little bizarre to my poor sarcastic nature, but I'm trying to re-train myself, because everyone here seems to have a great attitude and good mental health as far as the job is concerned.

On another note, I went contra dancing last night here in Burlington. It was way fun, and I continue to adore the old men who frequent such events. They're so cute.

Wedding invitations are mostly complete! My awesome designer Jason (God bless him) sent samples to us that arrived today, and they are beautiful. I'm getting excited to send them out! We're down to four months, which is weird considering how long we've been engaged! We've made some progress on getting a rehearsal dinner location nailed down, and we've booked a bed and breakfast for our honeymoon. I'm way excited because we booked a room that is beautiful and big and has a bed that looks like a ship. You can see it here.

So all in all, life is good. Busier than it was this summer (and the past year for that matter), but good. We have also now begun to get paid, which is a huge relief!

The First Week

2008-09-05T19:14:00.001-07:00

Although I am thisclose to falling into the teacher's weekend sleep coma (teachers know what I am talking about), I wanted to post a bit about my first week with students and how things are going here in Vermont.

This kids came on Tuesday, and although I was somewhat nervous, there is a great deal of difference between the specter of 20 kids depending on you to teach them and 1 kid depending on you to teach them. As I told everyone at work after the day was over on Tuesday, it's so nice to be able to put out the fires that occur and deal with problem behavior (or "challenges" as we call them) without having to also simultaneously distract and entertain 19 other children who may or may not be aware that that the problem is occurring and I am on the verge of tearing on my hair and/or bursting into tears. No, in my new job, a kid misbehaves, and I can give them my full attention, which is something of a gift.

There are a couple of other awesome aspects to my job as well. The first is the fact that stress is at a minimum as far as pushing academics is concerned. Our jobs are partly to provide schooling for the kids, but also to help them deal with their other issues, too, so if we spend a class processing feelings instead of doing our lesson plan, that's ok (at least in theory. It's still kind of frustrating to me, but I'm getting used to it). The other awesome thing is that the curriculum is totally open-ended. This semester, I am teaching units on Japan, terrorism, forensics, and web design. It spans the gammit, and it's awesome.

On a totally unrelated note, I'm really excited about the prospect of making muffins for next week.

And now, that comasleep.

The Schedule

2008-08-27T19:10:00.000-07:00

At my new school, we see our students on a somewhat random schedule. Well, random is not exactly the right word, but the schedule is a weekly schedule instead of a daily schedule, so we might see a student only once a week. This is good for variety, but makes schedules very complicated and time-consuming to construct. Today, however, was the "unveiling" of the first trimester schedule, and it all worked out so well! I ended up teaching mostly math/science classes, but our program director gave me a couple SS and English classes for a little variety, which was exactly what I wanted! I'm really excited about it. There are also a couple of students who I see 3-4 times a week, which I'm looking forward to, as well. One of them is a new student, and the other is one who has been around for awhile, but I'm excited to get a chance to form a good relationship with them, and hopefully one that will be really conducive to getting work done with them. Also, my Monday mornings start out in the kitchen with a double-block of kitchen work and preparing the meal for the day, which is awesome -- all in all, a really decent schedule, and one that I'm excited for.

Technically, we're encouraged not to take work home, which is a real blessing, but this weekend, I just don't think that's very feasible. I need to do some preparing for introductory activities, and because I have the same students over again in a few instances, I need to have more "introductory" activities for them, since I can't recycle the same things for all of their classes. While the thought of "lesson planning" again is somewhat unappealing, I'm kind of looking forward to thinking through our first week, and figuring out some possible directions I can go with the students. I think it's going to be really fun and interesting!

Early Autumn

2008-08-21T05:01:00.000-07:00

It's fall here in Vermont.

Ok, I'm sure the Vermonters around me disagree. To them, it is summer. But seriously, the past two days have been at the very least brisk. I love fall, but I also tend to operate at a body temperature a few degrees below normal, so when it's a bit windy and 68-70 degrees or so, I'm nonetheless shivering and gunning for hot chocolate (which I managed to obtain yesterday, so no worries). I'm adoring the weather, generally speaking, except for the fact that it means that winter is likely just around the corner. Which is fine but, you know, really early.

On the bright side, it means I will have a chance to employ the sweaters I've been hoarding throughout the years in the South, knowing I will be able to use them again one day. And I can make soup and not feeel silly.

On the other hand, I'm cold. And it's August. Dad would say, "Put on another layer." To which I would reply, "I'm already wearing two."

Keeping an Open Mind

2008-08-19T18:09:00.000-07:00

On Monday, at our mini-orientation meeting, Kate, the program coordinator at our school, was talking to us newbies about what class we'd be teaching. I told her I didn't know what I was going to have, and she said, "Well, what's you preference? You'll probably get your preference if you asked for one." I told her I wanted to go the route of Social Studies or Literature, moving away from Science/Math (which is one class in this program) and she said she'd look at the schedule. Today, I was talking to Jed (the head of school), and asked him if he knew what I was teaching. He said, "Oh, you have experience in Science, right? You're in Science/Math. We have a need there right now." I was crushed, and had that moment of "I'm not going to cry at this. I am stronger than that," and I asked him if I could talk to him about it. We had a short meeting, and I explained to him that if I wanted to apply for Vermont licensure, I needed some Social Studies experience, and asked if I could teach a couple of Social Studies classes. He suggested that I make some of my unit interdisciplinary, and deal with some of the social studies standards within my Science/Math units. The units that we teach are really very loose and open to the kids' interests, so there is a lot of room for interdisciplinary stuff, so his suggestions are totally on par, and I can definitely do that and still deal with some of the things I'm interested in. But tomorrow, when we have our subject area meetings, I'm kind of dreading going to the Science/Math group and officially pegging myself as a Science/Math teacher, because that was exactly what I wanted to get away from this year. I wanted to actually teach what I'm interested in, as opposed to what Teach for America randomly assigned me to.

In the grand scheme of things, I'm sure it will be fine, and I'll work that Social Studies stuff in and address that facet of things. And I'm open to being helpful to these kids in an area of need, so if Science/Math is that area, I can be a trooper. I'm just a little disappointed, although trying to put on a happy face and remember that change and reassignment in the future is certainly possible as well. Patience, as mother reminded me today. Patience.

Getting Outdoors

2008-08-15T13:34:00.000-07:00

When I was younger, my brother would constantly berate me for sitting in front of the computer while he played outside. He was right -- I was a pretty pasty and un-fit child and teenager. On the other hand, I could carry and tuba and march, so I guess I wasn't totally lazy.

In this move to Vermont, I've been trying to be a little active and enjoy the beautiful weather of what I'm told will be a short summer -- just yesterday, as I was signing paperwork for my new job, the director's office had a beautiful breeze blowing through that just screamed "AUTUMN!" This morning, I decided to go out on a "long" bike ride down to Burlington along the bikepath. I ended up doing about 7 miles, which isn't really that far by bike, but made me feel good. I also got to see Lake Champlain -- it's no ocean, but I'm thrilled to be living in a town "on the water" nonetheless.

See those mountains in the background? How much more beautiful could this get?

I'm feeling pretty lucky about my new location, and my new job, and I'm also feeling pretty psyched about the fact that I plan on taking this same bike ride tomorrow to go to the Farmer's Market in Burlington. Weekend goal: stew. I figure I might as well take advantage of weather that already feels like fall, local produce, and my beloved Crock-pot and do something useful and hearty this weekend. Updates on said stew to come.

The rest of today has been spent lazily watching the Game Show Network, reading my new Marie Claire that came in the mail today, and napping. Work starts Monday, but vacation is so very nice.

The New Job

2008-08-14T19:07:00.001-07:00

And again, the theme of my move to Vermont appears to be "Thing Happen For a Reason."

A little background:

Back in March, I applied for a job as a "Counseling Teacher" with a school here in Vermont that works with high needs kids. I followed up with the application and resume, and never heard anything back, so shrugged it off and moved on the with the job search, applying to a lot of admin assistant jobs, a few periphery school-type jobs (not teaching, since my license is non-transferable), etc.

After the whole Catholic School job fiasco, I noticed that the same job I had applied for re-appeared on schoolspring.com, the website where teaching jobs are often posted. I was kind of miffed, so I e-mailed the person in the job posting, asking if they had ever received my application. He said he hadn't, and asked me to send it again.

So I did, and got an interview (on the phone). Then I got another interview (also on the phone). Then I set up an in-face interview for after I arrived last week, and voila -- a job offer materializes the day after I meet the director of the programs.

I was lamenting to Andy that "If only they had gotten back to me in March, this would have been a lot easier," to which he pointed out, "Right, but then you wouldn't have come up for the Catholic School interview and then we wouldn't have found the apartment." "Huh," I replied.

So, like all good novels, things have come back full-circle and I am employed at this school that provides both academic instruction and therapeutic contact for kids who have behavioral and emotional problems. Some of the details are still a little unclear (like what, for example, I'm teaching!), but I love the people I interviewed with, and the "orientation" that is taking place over the next two weeks includes a lot of autonomous time for us to plan, and events such as "Self-care day: Hiking," in which the staff can join a leader who is taking everyone to his favorite spot to hike for the entire morning. Not shabby.

The other cool thing is that the teaching itself sounds really flexible, and the place really focuses on kids' interests and strengths, as opposed to straightforward academics. So if the kids want to build a half-pipe to skateboard on, that's cool -- as long as they research the plans and materials, buy them, and do their own construction. Pretty sweet, huh?

The New Apartment

2008-08-14T18:42:00.001-07:00

We have a new apartment.

The apartment saga was kind of a long one. Andy and I were all set to take an apartment in his old complex (a two-bedroom, as opposed to his little one-bedroom), and it was given away out from under us. Long story, lots of frustration, although, as Dad told me and I knew deep down, things happen for a reason.

About three weeks after that happened, when I was in Burlington for the fateful Catholic school interview, Andy and I looked at a few apartments on a whim. What we found was a much bigger, much nicer one than the one we lost, WITH a washing machine and dryer AND dishwasher...for exactly the same price.

When I got here last week, it was a little bare. Andy had done a good job getting furniture from Craiglist, but my room was totally empty, and we had a tons of closet space. A visit from Mom and Dad, along with a Uhaul, fixed that.

The new digs:

My room

Our huge hallway

Andy's room (and also a bit of a workspace for unpacked stuff...which is shrinking in amounts!)

Our kitchen (ahhh!)
And finally, our living room, complete with one Affianced watching the Olympics

An Unsent Letter of Frustration

2008-07-16T19:18:00.000-07:00

Dear Mrs. Principal,

As a recent interviewee with your school, I am writing to express my displeasure at the way in which the hiring process was conducted. Several weeks ago, I flew to Burlington for a weekend, at my own expense, to interview with you for the position of middle school math/science/technology teacher. Just before the conclusion of the interview, you assured me, "We won't keep you waiting. We'll let you know within the next week."

When a week passed without word on the status of the job, I called St. Joseph school and left a message with the secretary. After two days, my message was unreturned, and I called again, this time leaving a message with the school's answering machine. Again, my call was not returned.

Today, nearly three weeks after the interview, I was "notified" that I was not hired only when I happened to see the change in status of my application on schoolspring.com. To date, I have not heard from a human being.

Because I spent valuable time and money from my very limited budget in order to travel and interview for the job, and because of your personal assurance that you would follow up, I am disappointed that no one from the school ever notified me of the decision that was made. While I am certainly aware that other candidates may have been more qualified for the position, I feel as if I was nonetheless treated quite unprofessionally.

Luckily, a betteremployment situation has come along.

Slightly un-sincerely,
Rebecca M. Walter

Inspirational Reading

2008-07-11T06:20:00.001-07:00

It was Christmas Eve. Mom and Dad had gone to 6:00 Mass, and Sam and DJ and I were putting together dinner before family gift time. When Mom and Dad arrived home, we were setting the table and getting ready to eat when Sam piped up, "I would like us to read this inspirational reading as a family before dinner."

Mom was touched. Picking inspirational readings was not particularly Sam-esque. We sat down, and Sam distributed the copies he had made.

"I'll begin. Please join in.

Good-bye Norma Jean, though I never knew you at all, you had the strength to hold yourself while those around you crawled..."

Our collective Walter voice joined together on the cold winter night to the sweet words of Sir Elton John.

Survival

2008-06-25T13:49:00.000-07:00

I have survived this grad school thing.

To be completed fair, I am not quite officially done done. I still have to print out a final draft of my thesis (actually, about five finals drafts of my thesis), and get those turned in, as well as figuring out how to get my "program portfolio" burned onto a CD in such a way that the page navigation will function successfully. However, classes are officially over, which is a relief, and now I actually have time at night to watch movies. Additionally, the 14-hour day marathons are over. Thank goodness.

In the past month, a lot has happened. I've applied for a job at a Catholic school in Vermont. The position is for a middle school math/science/technology teacher, which I think could be really fun (if intense and time-consuming). The school is actually the one connected with the church where the Affianced and I are going to be married...in some ways, it seems like fate. I have spoken to the Assistant Superintendent, Sr. Shirley, who is wonderful and seemed excited to meet me. Mrs. Rogerson was more reserved, but also seemed kind, and I'm currently sitting in the airport in Richmond waiting to fly up there for my interview on Friday. Everyone who I have talked to seems to think I'm a shoo-in--by virtue of my education degree from William and Mary--but because of my less-than-ideal experience here this year, I don't feel quite so confident that this degree is as meaningful as people seem to believe it is. In any case, I know I do have several things going for me (Notre Dame, master's in education, Teach for America, etc.), and I hope that's enough. I am fairly resigned to the fact that this will happen if it supposed to happen, and if it doesn't, then there is something else out there for me. That doesn't mean I won't freak out temporarily if it doesn't work out, but in the grand scheme of things, I'm feeling like there is some sort of greater plan out there, so that's good.

Endless summer

2008-05-31T08:50:00.000-07:00

I have not died. I am, however, working 30 hours a week and putting in about 15 hours of classes, too. I am officially working overtime.

I knew these couple weeks of summer were going to be crazy, but I wasn't quite ready for this. I'm exhausted, and feel like I haven't had time to breath in a week.

Tuesday is my thesis defense. Which means that after going to clean up my kitchen and do a load of dishes, I have to, you know, actually finish my thesis. It's all written, but there are some minor edits to do. It won't be more than 2-3 hours of work, and I know it won't be that bad, but the prospect of doing it is just totally daunting.

After that is over, although I will still have two insane weeks left, at least one major thing will be off my plate. It's something.

El Thesiso

2008-05-11T16:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Thesis Beast,

I have slain you. I love to watch you writhe in pain and die.

Love,
Becky

Translation: The thesis is finished...or at least, the rough draft of it. I can live again! More importantly, I can return about 20 books to the library!

Jerk

2008-05-10T15:16:00.001-07:00

Dear guy behind me in line at the grocery store,

You are probably right, that I should have noticed you only had one thing and let you check out in front of me. I wasn't thinking. However, that does NOT make it appropriate for you to accuse me of "helping my kind" by "letting the woman in front of me go." I didn't let her go -- she actually was in line first. Just like I was in line in front of you.

A couple suggestions. If you don't want to wait in line to pay for your one thing, do a better job making a list next time you go grocery shopping, and avoid the subsequent one-item trip. Also, leave the race card out of things. We're all the same "kind." Jerk.

The Perfect Job

2008-05-03T14:05:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I applied for the perfect job (for me) for next year. I was checking out employment opportunities at the Affianced's institution of higher learning, and found a posting for the administrative assistant for LGBTQA services. (For the unaware, that is one of the many various acronyms used to designate the sexual minority population). Basically, the job would entail keeping up the drop-in space for LGBTQA services, doing general reception and administrative work, and helping out with activities and such. Which is perfect, because I have been working this year in a University setting and have a good idea of how things function, AND I would get to work with students in a very helpful way.

I told Kathryn yesterday, "I hope this is one of those instances where God provides the perfect opportunity and it all works out, and not one of those instances where he dangles something tempting in front of you and snatches it away so it can be a growing experience." I'm trying not to get my hopes up, and am mostly succeeding (there are, after all, other jobs out there), but it just seems like the right thing for where I am right now -- something I'm qualified to do, regarding a population I'm interested in and have been studying, and something that is helpful to others, which I think is really important.

So, fingers crossed.

How Did You Choose That Topic?

2008-04-28T13:24:00.000-07:00

Today, as many have before, my roommate was asking me about my thesis. When I told her that I was doing a study on the school experiences of gifted/GLBTQ (that's gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, and queer/questioning) students, she asked me that question I kind of dread: "How did you choose that topic?"

Now, I don't generally have a problem with people mistaking me for being homosexual -- not that I think it happens often, but because of this project, and the paper I wrote for my children's literature class last semester about homosexuality in young adult lit, I assume it happens sometimes. My roommate told me today that she wondered when she saw all the research books I had scattered around the apartment when she moved in. What does bother me a little, however, is that I don't have a really good reason to give people when they asked why I chose the topic.

I find the question of gender really interesting. I think that's one reason that homosexuality is such an intriguing topic to me -- traditionally it's very wrapped up in the questions of gender and gender identity. What makes us female and male? What dictates who we are attracted to? Is it nature or nurture (or some combination)? It's so interesting, because thinking about gender in new ways, and considering issues such as transsexualism (where a person believes they are born into the body of the wrong gender) really forces us to question what we assume about who we are and the categories we put people into. It forces us to question human nature, inasmuch as we think of gender as intrinsically linked to identity, which I think most people do.

In my research, one of the complaints that arises among GLBTQ students is that teachers and schools promulgate heteronormativity, or the idea that heterosexuality is the norm. This is shown in everything from referencing students' "Moms and Dads,"to creating story problems that fall along gender lines (Mary bakes cookies and John plays football), to failing to mention the fact that many famous people throughout history were homosexual. One of the reasons I'm tied to this population of students, the ones who are gifted and GLTBQ, is that I cannot imagine sitting in school, especially during middle school, and knowing you are gay and never ever seeing or hearing about anyone like you in the curriculum. Ever. Throw together being a sexual minority with being a nerd, and you've got a double dose of "differentness."

I think that as far as minorities go, sexual minorities currently have the short end of the stick, because not too many people are focused on sticking up for them. I feel like society has thrown the issues of gender and race to the forefront of conversations about equality, but there's still this huge culture of silence surrounding homosexuality and other sexual minority issues. No one wants to talk about it.

But I do. I think I'm interested in it because no one talks about it. It's taboo.

I met my first homosexual friends in high school. Up until that point, I was of the opinion that we "love the sinner, hate the sin." After I met a couple of dear friends who were homosexual, and after they told me their stories, I completely changed my mind. I believe, with certainty, that there is nothing abnormal or sinful or wrong with homosexuality. There are some lifestyle choices traditionally associated with homosexuality that I'm not a huge fan of (such as promiscuity), but that aside, I cannot believe that anyone's choice of sexual partner is a morally wrong. It's my personal belief, and I know that others hold different ones, and that's ok. But my own change in opinion is what got me interested in the topic, I think.

And of course, the other part of me, the part that has to, you know, write the thesis, says, "Who cares why you think it's interesting? Be thankful you like it enough to finish a major project on it." I am.

Alone

2008-04-19T20:55:00.001-07:00

I've said it before and I'll say it again...On a day to day basis, I don't mind doing the long-distance thing. I'm grateful that things between the Affianced and I are such that we can trust and respect each other enough to be in different states without any kind of crises. But there are times, like tonight, when people were over visiting and playing games, and then left in pairs, or when I see new lovey-dovey relationships sprouting up around me, when I feel lonely. I mean, the lovey-doviness kind of makes me want to barf, and I truly appreciate and I truly do enjoy my alone time so I can regroup...but there's a part of me that wishes I didn't have to sit around here alone at the end of each day. It sucks not to have another presence in the apartment, now that my roommate is essentially living with her boyfriend. And it sucks to be the person who is in a couple, but not be able to actually be in a couple here.

Just a little self-pity. But hey, it beats having a random stroke, going into a coma, and waking up, only to find that the only functioning muscle in your body is your eye, and then having to develop a system of communication through blinking. (I saw The Diving Bell and the Butterfly last night. Sad.)

Birthday goodness

2008-04-14T16:53:00.001-07:00

This weekend was my birthday, and what a birthday it was. Kathryn's birthday was also last week -- Thursday -- and so she and I arranged our own birthday party at the beach! We drove down to Virginia Beach for the night, got a couple of hotel rooms, and had a grand old time with a few of our friends!

When we arrived, Dan and Kathryn and I took a long walk down the beach, which was windy and colder than we had hoped, but lovely nonetheless. Soon afterwards, Dave and Eric arrived, and we went out for dinner at an AMAZING pizza restaurant called Pi-zzeria. One particular combination of gorgonzola, pine nuts, and spinach was especially delicious. As was the sangria.

After dinner, we went a bought Apples to Apples and just hung out in the hotel room playing games and drinking "juice." I was stunned at how well everyone got along and how much fun it was, since it was, in some ways, a new combination of people. But everyone was in really good spirits, got along really well, and it was incredibly fun.

The next morning, we went out for breakfast at a local diner, and then drove home. Later that afternoon, we went to see "Smart People," which was sub-par, and then we took the ferry to Surry and ate at the Surry House, a cute little family-type restaurant with good Southern food. Surry was a cute little town, and very reminiscent of the midwest.

I went to bed on my birthday night totally satisfied and grateful for my friends. It was a wonderful day! Pictures to come when I gank them from Dan.

Good news!

2008-04-10T12:52:00.000-07:00

Good things have happened today:

1. I was told that I could work a few extra hours at the Center this summer. This is HUGE because they pay well and this means I can scrap the idea of getting another job, and STILL have my weekends off to go to the beach. Word.

2. I got my Virginia Teacher Certificate. This is less huge, but buys me time to figure out the grand scheme of things in terms of where the Affianced and I will end up post grad school. I now have five years to figure out my teaching future before I have to take more action. Awesome.

Unfortunately, now I have a presentation to give in class. That is not awesome.

Decisions: The Root of All Evil vs. Mental Health

2008-04-06T19:07:00.000-07:00

I know that money is not everything. I also know, however, that I am feeling a little poor right now and that the thought of having more money is tempting.

This summer, I have a couple of things set in stone. 1) I have to take two classes that will go from mid-May until the end of June. 2) I will be working at least 20 hours a week at the Center, doing a continuation of school-year stuff. Now, the Center pays well -- about twice what I would make doing your average run of the mill retail job. However, the hours I am scheduled to work there this summer will still only cover my rent and tuition, leaving me to live of money I have stashed away in savings unless I get another, part-time job to supplement.

The question is whether I will actually have a nice, mentally healthy summer if I do so. Now, I know that 10 hours a week behind a cash register at the bookstore is nothing tragic, but am I going to feel totally burnt out if I do that in addition to the Center and classes? Furthermore, I think that my classes this summer are going to be pretty easy...but what if they're not? Then I'll have shot myself in the foot, struggling to do a lot of extra schoolwork on top of work-for-money.

I'm just not sure whether I want to apply to get another job for the spending money, or just say to heck with it and live off my savings (frugally, of course), and have a good, quasi-restful summer.

Like a Student...

2008-04-04T06:03:00.000-07:00

...Oh! Working for the very first time.

Although I would not go so far as to say that my graduate school experience has suddenly become full of fulfilling work and assignments, I will give it credit for attacking me from all sides at once and, finally, making me feel busy. This is what being a student feels like -- too much to do, not enough time to do it, making time management an absolute necessity. Next week, I have something due in every class, plus my own personal goal of getting a hefty chunk of my thesis done (the ever dreaded Lit Review). I have to admit, despite the slight feeling of floundering in the insanity, I kind of like where things are right now. I'm diving into academia at the moment, putting together two papers and two presentations, and making something useful (if for a brief time) out of this relatively useless experience.

Yesterday at work, we had a "celebration lunch" for "all that we've accomplished over the past semester." It was nice to NOT be at work for a couple hours, yet still with work people. Also, Dr. Van Tassel-Baska, the head honcho, was there, and she mentioned to me the prize that I had won -- the "Award for Excellence in Gifted Education (Master's)." She wanted to make sure I had gotten the invitation to the ceremony, etc. I still haven't gotten any kind of description of what the award is -- how they choose people, what they look for, etc -- but I am pleased to be recognized. AND, the award has money attached. Which hadn't even occurred to me, but was the first question everyone else asks. I don't know how much, but I will gladly accept it. It does, I have to admit, make me feel good to be picked out for the work I've done here, since I do feel I have academic potential, even if it's not being fully recognized.

Alas, time now to jump into that student thing.

Wide Open Spaces

2008-03-29T06:10:00.000-07:00

When I was in high school, I could not wait to get out of tiny little Unionville/Plain City/Milford Center/etc. It was time for me to see another part of the world (South Bend...oohhh!), and that was good for me. However, having said that, it is nice to be home sometimes. I'm pretty sure I would never want to settle down here -- it still feels too small and I think I'd feel contained, like my life had taken a big looping circular path, bringing me back to where I started, which is not exatly what I want. But I do appreciate coming home and having everything be familiar.

I like having room to breathe here. Everything isn't mushed together; people and homes and land are spread out. I like having occasion to use my brights on the car, and although I realize its horrible for the environment, I enjoy that driving from place to place gives me time to think, and slows down the pace of life a bit -- none of this rushing to the next thing in five minutes.

It's also nice to see the family, although that wears off after a few days. This time when I've been home, we all took the Myers-Briggs personality test, and it was funny and telling to read everyone's profiles. George and I, not surprisingly, are personality types separated by just one letter (The Myers-Briggs gives you a four-letter combination; mine is INTJ), with him being extroverted (ENTJ) and me being introverted. Some highlights: George's description has a line in it about sometimes adopting an "icy stare," which Ann found hysterical. Mine has a line about "Not wanting to take the lead...until someone else fails. Then I go in a clean up the messes." That is completely true. Ann's type (ESFJ) is called the "Provider," which is appropriate. Sam is the "Champion," (ENFP) and if that is accurate, I think he still has some realizing of his type to do -- not that it doesn't fit him, but it doesn't fit him yet. He's supposed to be a champion of causes, but right now, I think the cause for which he champions is Sam.

Anyway, it was an interesting exercise. I wish DJ were here to take it, too.

Alas, on my final day home, I must do a bit of thesizing. Off to work on outlining Chapter 2.

Break

2008-03-18T17:55:00.000-07:00

In the midst of studying for my midterm, which shall occur tomorrow, I started to freak out. Not an uncommon occurrence for me. I'm burnt out, I want to get to bed early, but also finish my reviewing. The thought of getting up at 5:00 tomorrow crossed my mind, but then I reminded myself of my "a good night's sleep always helps more than cramming" manta, and I thought. "Wait. Stop. Take a break."

It's so hard to DO when I'm moving and don't want to stop, although my mind is aching for some reprieve. So I'm taking a break. Bathtime and reading time, and then another hour or so of studying. No major sleep lost, no need to freak out.

I just have to remember how easy the solution is sometimes, and give myself a break.

Visits and friends

2008-03-16T13:45:00.000-07:00

This past week, I've had two visitors, which has been loverly. First, the Affianced was here, which was great. This may, in fact, be one of the last visits we have in the midst of the long distance relationship...thank goodness. In August, we'll be residing in the same zip code, for which I am very thankful.

And then, just for a short 24 hours, my good friend Lauren from college was here. She planned a conference in DC, and came to Williamsburg for a day to see the Colonial Wonderland, and see me in my play. It was great fun to hang out with her again, as I hadn't seen her since graduation three years ago, and I'm so thankful for friends who you can just pick up with, even after long periods of time.

You may have caught onto the fact that we found a tree with a huge hole in it that provided a good photo-op.

And lastly, in another wave of friend warm-fuzziness, over the course of the first two performances of my play, I had lots of people come to see it, which was so nice and made me feel happy and loved and supported. This is everyone who came the second night, when I actually had a camera.

Creation

2008-03-16T12:58:00.000-07:00

There's a lot to catch up on, so I will start slowly. One thing at a time. Hopefully a series of short entries will provide me with appropriate small breaks from the horror that is studying for my American History midterm. I love this class, and he was very kind in giving us a good idea about what would be on the exam, but with that knowledge comes the responsibility to adequately prepare. Which I am trying to do in the wake of having visitors.

But, before anything too serious, a point of pride from two weeks ago.

I made a sweater. All by myself. Grandma Walter, my crochet guru, would be so proud.

Read, Uninterrupted

2008-03-01T06:15:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about reading. And when I think about it, I feel old. It makes me think back to "The good old days" of my own life, when I could get lost in a book (mostly in the bathtub), and literally pour through a story without putting it down.

College took away a lot of my love of reading. In one sense, it made me a better reader -- more critical, looking more deeply at texts, discerning more meaning. But it also sucked away a lot of the simple pleasure involved in reading. Reading because not just an escape, but work. Additionally, in today's world of short attention spans and gadgetry, I sincerely find it hard to sit down for a period and read uninterrupted...especially when it's for school. Checking my e-mail or facebook always beckons as way more important.

I have to read a biography for a class and do a presentation on an eminent person's talent development over the lifespan. I chose Walt Whitman, and the biography I am reading is 350 pages long. Which is, really, nothing. But sitting down and just getting it done is becoming a huge chore. I have to FORCE myself to read, which is sad, because frankly, it's an interesting book. I just know that I have to do it, and so that makes me WANT to do it less.

The good news is that I do still enjoy reading, in some contexts. I always have a book going for right before bed, and I rarely turn in without reading a chapter (in fact, I'm currently reading The Story of a Love about the correspondences between St. Terese of Liseux and a young priest, which was given to me by my grandmother and takes me back to childhood in another way), but I do wish I had the intense absorption mechanism still ago in regards to my reading.

With that said, I am about to head off to the gradplex lounge with ONLY my book in hand, and give it a couple hours. Perhaps eliminating distractions is the key.

Thesis Rave

2008-02-25T19:39:00.000-08:00

God bless the GLBT support-group leaders who forwarded out my plea for participants for my thesis survey. Having sent out the "please forward this request for participants" e-mail last Tuesday, I, as of today, have received 23 e-mails from people who want to participate. Of course, this doesn't mean that all of them will actually complete my survey, but considering my goal is to have 30 good responses, I'd say I'm well on my way.

Research is awesome. I can't wait to write this thesis up and be done with it and have a real product.

A Love/Hate Relationship

2008-02-22T15:20:00.001-08:00

I have a love-hate relationship with my graduate program.

The other day, I was working on my thesis, and reading the (very) limited research about my topic which is, incidentally, serving the social, emotional, and intellectual needs of students who are gifted and a sexual minority (gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, questioning, etc). And as I was reading an article about how there is so little research on the topic, I was thinking, "You know, I care about this topic, and I would love to be involved in something that is truly an emerging topic in the field." I was having delusions of grandeur, and thinking about publishing, and it was, frankly, pretty motivating. I really am enjoying working on this thesis, despite the sometime-drudgery.

But then I thought about how much I despise going to classes and actually being in this field which, to be frank, I don't respect a whole lot. Now, to be fair, I respect gifted education as an academic field slightly more than the wider field of just plain education, but in the grand scheme of things, I'm pretty unimpressed. It all seems so wishy-washy, and, you know, it's a social science, which automatically gives it a bad name. That, coupled with the sorry state of education in general in the United States, doesn't give me too much desire to do much with the field academically speaking.

The ironic thing is, my adviser keeps hinting to me that I should go for my Ph. D. On the one hand, I can see why she would say that. I'm good at school, I'm motivated, and I'm doing well in all her classes (and I've taken four of them with her in my two semesters here thus far). I'm not bragging, but school, especially this stupid program, is easy for me, and always has been. I have the ability and aptitude to get a Ph. D. But it frustrates and stuns me that she doesn't know me well enough to know that I hate this program and wouldn't ever ever EVER think about getting a Ph. D. in education. I would do it in a field I thought highly of (like medieval studies...oh, if only I had stuck with my Latin...).

I think the fact that she knows me so poorly rubs me the wrong way. As the person in charge of the master's in gifted ed program, she currently has only four full-time students. This ratio of adviser to advisee should, at least in my eyes, ensure that we have a good relationship and a high level of communication. We don't. I think there are personality issues at stake (I am a linear thinker and highly organized -- she is a random thinker and disorganized) which adds to my personal disregard for this whole thing. But I just don't feel like she cares about me or knows me. I asked her to help me with licensing in Vermont. She told me to call the state department and make them agree to accept my Virginia license (which I don't have...mine is from Louisiana. And I had already done that. And they said no.). She commented the other day about how it was good that I was getting back into the classroom to I could gain credibility before I go to get my Ph. D., when I told her the week before that I'm not going into the classroom again next year because I can't get aforementioned teaching license. I feel like she's not listening, and I feel like, frankly, she's missing a good opportunity to actually recruit a good candidate for further education...but she doesn't understand that I have no respect for the way things are being handled and I have been turned off.

One of my co-workers at the Center for Gifted Education knows my plight and has encouraged me to speak up. But I told her that I have no yet learned the art of expressing my concerns gracefully and non-accusatorily. The unfortunate circumstances of the situation, namely that my adviser happens to be over-worked and happens to be teaching way more classes in the program than she ever has before, will make my criticism seem personal. And while it is, on some level, there are also program-level problems that just happen to be manifested through her. For example, I feel that the four core courses in gifted education overlap way too much and there is too much repetition. This is only partly her responsibility. On the one hand, I think she could be doing a better job differentiating between the four content areas covered in the classes, but on the other hand, there really IS a lot of overlap, and the program needs to be fixed so there is less. of that. There's only so much she can do when she is handed a course and topic and told, "Here, teach it."

So, the moral of the story is this: I struggle with not fulfilling my potential as an academic, but I truly feel in my heart that academia is not a sector in which I will ever feel fulfilled. I want to speak up and help improve the program, but I am confident that doing so during my time here will create problems for me because I have not developed that talent to give criticism with grace. In the end, I suppose I will just push through, make the best of what I have, and be thankful that at least I will have an advanced degree when all this jazz is through.

Bed-ridden

2008-02-16T10:18:00.000-08:00

Lately, I've been lamenting the fact that I don't get sick often. Truly, this is a blessing, but there is something restful about being able to spend a day in bed recovering from whatever ailment afflicts you. When I was teaching, I was better about taking mental health days (they were legitimately necessary) at random, but now, since I'm just doing the part-time assistantship thing and school/classes, it seems a little silly to me to "take a sick day." I'm kind of sick of the whole school thing, but not enough to truly warrant playing hookie.

But, like I've said, I've been craving a day in bed lately, so today, I decided to take it. I slept in, which, to be honest, took a little forcing -- I was ready to get up an 9:00, but I rolled over and crashed for another hour and a half. (I realize that 9:00 IS sleeping in for some, but remember that I am, in some sense of the word, a college student.) Then, when I woke up, I grabbed by laptop, hauled it over to bed with me, and spent some time perusing pictures of bouquets for wedding-planning fun.

I do, honestly, have to accomplish some work today, too, so I've been doing some reading, and I need to go type a journal entry for class, so things are getting accomplished, but it's so nice to revel in being truly lazy. A day of physical (and mental) rejuvenation is just what I needed.

On a completely unrelated note, I got TWO bouquets of Valentine's flowers yesterday (long story, but they are BEAUTIFUL tulips), and a pretty hilarious Valentine's card from Mom. These both made me very happy.

Wedding Planning

2008-02-12T15:00:00.001-08:00

I am planning a wedding. It's a big feat, but made smaller by the fact that said planning is taking place over the course of almost two years. Most recently, I have begun working on my centerpieces, of which part will double as my favors. Here is what I envision:

Vases will be placed on mirrors. Tree branches will be scavenged (mother nature is the best provider of decor), and spray painted silver or white (or both...hmmm). Branches will be placed in vases. Upon said branches will be hung our favors, which are snowflake ornaments.

Now, our wedding is not Christmas-y in the truest sense of the word, taking place after Christmas and during the Epiphany, but I figure the ornaments are wintery enough to be acceptable, and perhaps people will not yet have packed up their Christmas decorations, so they can gently place our little snowflakes in the ornament box for next year.

Beading has been going slowly, but it's fun. Aren't they pretty?

I have also been contemplating walking down the aisle to "Bring a Torch, Jeanette, Isabella." It's pretty, and French (like the Affianced), and different. Also seasonal. And I hate "Here Comes the Bride big, fat and wide.)"

All in all, I'd say planning is going well.

Also, I've been trying to find some kind of reflections/meditations, etc. for marriage preparation (in the form of a blog, perhaps?), but have had no luck. Sarah? Mom? Any ideas?

Book meme courtesy of Sarah

2008-02-12T14:53:00.000-08:00

Rules:
1. Pick up the nearest book (of at least 123 pages).
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences.
5. Tag five people.

From The Sun, the Moon, and the Stars by Steven Brust:

"I don't feel like I'm missing anything. I am," he drew himself up and said ironically, "fulfilled as an artists. Okay?"

I would love to tag five people...but as this is a mostly off-the-radar blog, I don't know of five to tag.

Step, SQUISH

2008-02-01T20:16:00.000-08:00

Last night, I went to the weekly swing dance they have here at the Gradplex, and it was, as usual, highly entertaining. Mike, the guy who leads it up, was trying to teach us simple blues stuff, and in trying to describe how to shift your weight to one foot and then pop out your hip, he began to chant, "Step, SQUISH, step, SQUISH," with the SQUISH representing the hip pop. It was completely wrong for what he was trying to convey, but typical of Mike.

But as much as I feel self conscious being a "big girl" when dancing with a partner (and I mean this in the most non-self-deprecating way -- I am not fat, I am just tall and happen to not be a stick), I do enjoy it when someone else is leading and it's very clear what I'm supposed to do, and all I have to do in follow along. Very little thinking, the guy has to do all the mental work, and it's nice. It's so refreshing to have a set of guys around who are strong leads, who have a sense of rhythm and know what they're doing. For goodness sake, I was dipped several times last night by different partners -- I enjoy it when someone flings me around like that. But even those who aren't great yet have a fun time on Thursday nights, and that's good, too. My sincerest hope is that someday, I can convince the Affianced to learn to dance with me (preferably swing), so we can enjoy it together, because it really is one of the most fun things in the world. (Did you catch that, Affianced?)

Tomorrow night is contra dancing, which is vaguely like square dancing. Also a rip-roaring good time, and the best part is seeing Dave and Eric in skirts. It's some contra tradition...and it's hysterical.

Podcasting

2008-01-29T14:16:00.001-08:00

I have had my mp3 player for over a year now...more like two, actually...but I never got involved in the world of podcasting until a couple of weeks ago, when I was Jonesin' for CarTalk at a non CarTalk time. "I wonder if they have a podcast?" I thought, and headed over to the NPR website. They did. I downloaded a client to deal with my non-Apple mp3 player, and I was good to go.

Turns out that one of my other favorite radio shows, This American Life, also has a podcast. I had only heard the show a couple times before discovering this, but it's amazing -- really great storytelling, really great themes for shows. I may have developed a huge crush on the host, Ira Glass. This is him:
Turns out he's a big nerd. Just as I suspected. Delightful!

I've also added Fresh Air, Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, and Whadya Know? to the list. Work is way more fun, now.

Putting All My Eggs Into One Basket

2008-01-28T19:14:00.000-08:00

Through lack of choice, I have, in the area of friendship, performed the equivalent of putting all my eggs into one basket. Now, my good friend here is fantastic and I'm so glad I met her...but she recently started "dating" a guy who is a friend of ours (I use the word friend loosely, as we have only recently brought him into the fold), and this presents some unfortunate emotional consequences for me.

Now, since they are "dating," I know that is none of my business (except in the supportive "How'd it go? Tell me every detail," way). What I mean is, of course dating involves only two people, and that's totally cool. However, last weekend on their date they ended up with a group of his friends in Richmond, one of whom I've met before, and so it ended up being a big group go-out. Of course, this all happened as the evening unfolded, but the fact that it wasn't in fact the two of them and was actually a group activity made me feel lonely and kind of left out.

The problem here is the intellectual vs. the emotional. Intellectually, I think it's great, and I'm happy for her (not that they're remotely serious, but it's fun to have fun and meet new people), but on the emotional level, I feel kind of sad that my pretty-much-only friend here is having these social opportunities that don't include me. I'm trying to be cool about it, but when I'm sitting at home alone on Saturday night, twiddling my thumbs, or going to a movie by myself (which I enjoy but still), I feel like kind of a sad and pathetic individual.

The other problem, and one that I've talked about with her before, is that as much as long distance is pretty much ok with me on a day to day basis, it's hard to be attached and not have the other half of my attachment here. Sometimes it sucks to watch people be all happy and dating and meeting people, and feeling sad that the Affianced is elsewhere. It's all temporary, and we'll be in the same location and probably sick of each other before you know it, but it's sad right now. I wish I had someone to take me out.

He and I were talking recently, and I told him that I wanted to go on more dates. "What do you mean?" he asked. "Well," I told him, "I guess a date could me a couple things. It could be where we dress up nicely and go out. Or it could be when one of us plans the evening without the others input for a bit of a surprise." Not that we don't, you know, go out when we're together, but I think the thing is, as much as I hate to admit it, sometimes I do want to be treated like a girl. Not often. But sometimes. Generally speaking, I love the egalitarian way we handle things, and we're so "well-suited," as Ann would put it, that we rarely disagree about what to do. But it would be nice, sometime, if he (or I, because I can take responsibility, too), makes a plan and takes charge of the evening, and it isn't so...equal. Just to keep things interesting.

Thusly have I pondered on this fine evening. And now, in order to get up super early to get to the gym before the random assignment I must complete for work at 9:00 tomorrow morning, I must head in the direction of the bed.

Tomorrow is our chili cook-off, for which I have found a recipe for pumpkin-turkey chili. I am counting on creativity points. Wish me luck!

Mail!

2008-01-23T16:09:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite things in the world is mail. Any kind of mail. Although bills aren't as fun as other kinds, nothing makes me heart go pitter-pat quite like the sight of an envelope in my mailbox. It's a magical thing.

I also now have a penpal. She is the Affianced's sister. She teasingly wrote and asked me to be her penpal, a request I accepted with full gusto, and today I got a letter. I miss the old days, when I had, like, 6 penpals at a time, and this is equally exciting. I also got a tax form, and a refund check from my loan. All in all, a good day.

But what if it SNOWS?????!!!

2008-01-20T18:49:00.001-08:00

Right now, I should be chipping into the exorbitant amount of reading that I need to accomplish in the next week, and I will, soon, when I finish this entry. I promise.

Yesterday marked the culmination of perhaps the most impressive thing I have ever done, short of completing my undergrad thesis, which, actually, wasn't all that significant in retrospect. Yesterday, the Center for Gifted Education's 13th Annual Focusing on the Future conference was held. This conference was planned, in large part, by me.

On Thursday, the phone calls started:

"Have you rescheduled?"
"I'm sure you've heard that bad weather is possible."
"It might snow. We're coming from three hours away."

Of course, this possibility had been considered months before. In fact, three years ago, the conference was canceled because of snow, so we had a contingency plan in place, which we communicated to all attendees with their confirmation the month before. Not that they read the mail we send them. Dealing with all these inane questions was frustrating, and I finally just put an extended absence message on my machine instructing participants what to do if they were worried about snow, and let it ring through.

Saturday, I arrived at 6:45, and stayed until 5:00pm. But the conference went off without any major disasters which was a major blessing. There was the small incident of the kid allergic to peanuts eating a (wait for it) peanut M&M in the Culinary Arts session, and the one mother hysterical that she lost her daughter at the end of the day, when she was really just waiting for a tour, but other than these relatively minor things, all was well. My volunteers were amazing and competent, my planning was well worth the effort, and one mother said to me, "I was in the army for 22 years, and this conference ran like clockwork. It was wonderful." I couldn't have been more pleased, and I feel extremely proud of myself for pulling it off and being, for all intents and purposes, done with my major project of the year. Of course, a report needs to be written, and evaluation data types of and analyzed, but I am thankful that tomorrow is a holiday so I can work on these things at the Center without staff leaning over my shoulder for a day.

A couple more items of note, which, I know, will seem completely contradictory.

One, I have been attending Mass since the new year, and am really appreciating it. Today, Father gave a sermon about how he had been on a cruise and was really impressed with the people who consider service to be their calling, not just something they do until something better come along. I love that notion, because I'm starting to really feel that working a grunt job that requires minimal education but that really gets something done is what I want to do with my life. I like being in the trenches. I also asked for a patron saint of the year, and am enjoying that little treat, too -- I got paired with two, out of a (fortunate) miscommunication: St. John of God is the first, who went a little mentally ill and then dedicated his life to serving the poor after his recovery: perfect for my interest in psych, my current interest in abnormal psych, and my career conflict of wanting to just find a do-gooder non-profit job next year. My second was Bl. Francis de Montmorency Lavale, who did a lot of work with the expansion of the Catholic church in Canada in the 1600s, especially in Quebec. Because of impending location changes to Vermont (and a honeymoon in Montreal:), I'm feeling like Francis is looking over my move to the North and my joining a family with a French Canadian history.

Secondly, we had our first meeting for the Vagina Monologues tonight, and it was really fun. I think the group I'm working with is great, and although the performance interrupts the week Andy is visiting (which is nice that he gets to see it, but a bummer that I'll be busy in the evenings over one of the weekends), I'm glad to be involved in something.

Overall, my goal for the semester is to be happy and not feel sorry for myself. I'm going to get out, and not make school work a top priority, because last semester, it ate me up, and frankly, I don't like my program enough to be quite that involved again. Chilling out and focusing on other things has been good for me, and I like my frame of mind of late. So we're going to try to stick with that.

And now, off to read. Seriously. At least for awhile.

Forever

2008-01-14T14:14:00.000-08:00

That's how long it's been, and although it may feel as if I have dropped you like a hotcake, oh bloggie-poo, that is not in fact that case. Rather, in the midst of my break from school I took a mental break as well, and that involved dropping all things that could possibly remind me of school, which include writing.

Yet much has happened! Christmas was nice and busy and full of much Christmas bounty, including some new clothes and a giant can of Scotch broth soup, courtesy of Mumsie. And a new watch, which is fantastic, as I am finally rid of the cycle of "I bought a cute new watch that was cheap at Target because I'm frugal but, uh-oh, there it goes breaking so I've really bought five in the last year, thus costing me the same as one good watch."

After the trip home, I went to the snowy wonderland of Vermont to see the Affianced. While there, we did many fun things, such as get my engagement ring fixed (silly setting kept bending but now it is straight and new and shiny and beautiful!), take the "Foccus" survey to make sure we are compatible in churchy ways before getting married (we are, no formal counseling needed), began wedding registries and...most excitingly...we had engagement pictures taken!

Since he and I don't reside in the same state, we don't have a ton of pictures of the two of us, so it is nice to have a big set to choose from. He also got me fantastical present for Christmas, such as:

My favorite movie in the ENTIRE WORLD on DVD...

A new robe, which I am seen here modeling...

And an electric toothbrush with a timer that shuts off after the two minutes of recommended brushing time.

Am I a lucky girl or what?

Just Can't Wait to Get On the Road Again

2007-12-18T14:50:00.001-08:00

Tomorrow, I am going home. HOME!

I've been done with school for about a week, and it's been good to take a break. But I've been antsy to get home since then, and Williamsburg does not exactly have a happening social scene...and who am I kidding -- even if it did, I wouldn't be out there enjoying it, so I've been a little bored without schoolwork to do.

Tomorrow, bright and early, Kathryn and I will fly out to Columbus, and read crappy magazines on the plane, and then we will be home! Hooray!

g vs. talent

2007-12-12T06:45:00.000-08:00

Gifted education has a historical debate going on in which the nature of intelligence is defined either as g, or general intelligence vs. multiple intelligences, such as Howard Gardner's; he believes that there are 8/9 different intelligences, and that people possess them in different "amounts". The intelligences are linguistic, mathematical/logical, spatial, musical, bodily-kinesthetic, naturalistic, interpersonal, intrapersonal, and he's in the process of considering spiritual intelligence for a 9th.

Sometimes in gifted ed, these multiple intelligences are referred to as talents, and there is a focus on talent development. This is a nice, broad view of giftedness, because it let's people be good at one thing and work to develop it rather than being globally gifted.

This semester, when I finally sat and thought about it, has been a good one for self reflection, although I'm not always sure I like what I see. I would tend to place myself on the conservative side of a definition of giftedness, working with the notion of g and calling giftedness equivalent to high IQ. Although I've never been IQ tested, I myself would fall into this category -- generally good at learning, bright across the school-types of intelligence. When I was in high school, I recognized this about myself, and felt better than people who were good at things, but didn't excel at school the way I did. Not in the sense of "I'm awesome and too good to hang out with you," but more in the sense of, "You don't get me." Which, to be fair, I still think might be true. Globally gifted kids do think different than other kids, I believe, and in their own way approach the world in a unique way. They have a particular set of social and emotional needs that may vary from other kids (who, of course, have a set of social and emotional needs, too).

Now I'm here, floundering in a sea of indecision about my future, and realizing that despite my schooling and excellent past academic performance, I am qualified to do nothing. I think about the jobs I could do next year, in the fields I want to work in (excluding education, for the time being), and the one that keeps popping into my head is "secretary." Now, there is nothing wrong with being a secretary -- I have the utmost respect for people who run offices and make things work on a day to day basis. Frankly, I wouldn't even mind doing the job for the short-term -- it's useful and you can see the effects of it. That's important to me. It's just that, unless I were the secretary for an organization I truly cared about, like a nonprofit in which I were a founding member, or (this is for you, Sarah and Mom) a church I felt very connected to, then secretary doesn't seem the greatest use for my years and years of education.

So I'm looking back, and thinking about those people I knew in high school who, although perhaps not as good as performing in school, are happy and have a job and a life. As I teeter over a precipice with no prospects ahead of me career-wise, I envy them. I hate to say I'd trade my global intelligence for a particular talent, but at this point, I wish I had a single passion that I could really dedicate my life to. This is the same reason I could never get a Ph. D. I don't like any one thing enough to dedicate that much time to it, which is a shame, because I know I have the capability to pursue higher education.

I wish I had a thing, an interest, a specific talent I could use to make something of myself, because right now, I feel as if my combination of knowledge and skills is pretty useless.

Merry Tuba Christmas!

2007-12-01T14:01:00.000-08:00

Last night, I took Kathryn on a top-secret mission to Richmond to introduce her to the wonderful world of Tuba Christmas. I found the event listed on the national Tuba Christmas website, but had no idea that it was taking place in conjunction with Richmond's Grand Illumination, the event where they turn on all the Christmas lights for the first time downtown for the season.

I did five official Tuba Christmas events while I was growing up with fellow band members. The event held in Columbus is a huge one, or was when I attended several years ago. They used to hold it at the Palace Theater downtown, and would have somewhere in the range of 350-500 tuba and euphonium players. In college, the ND basses from marching band would go around to the dorms and have our own unofficial Tuba Christmas during study days. Some of the rectors hated us, but most were really appreciative, and it was a nice break to the insane exam study-time.

Now, as a tuba player, I know my place. I understand the necessity to write sustained whole notes and the dreaded "oom-pahs" for band arrangements, but there is a certain kind of beauty when that is thrown out the window and Christmas Carols are arranged exclusively for bass-clef instruments. It's like a men's choir, but deeper and broader. And it's beautiful.

The Richmond event was much smaller, but they broke a record last night with 76 players, and I think Kathryn had a good time. It's a fun event, and I'm so proud to be a tuba player and to expose my non-tuba friends to something so unique.

5:00 Drive Home

2007-11-26T15:48:00.000-08:00

On the way home from his visit with me for Thanksgiving week, the Affianced got stuck in Washington DC for two night. Mechanical errors and then Thanksgiving over-bookings did not work in his favor. The first night was inconvenient. The second night was really inconvenient, as he really needed to be at home working on projects for school.

When he called me at the end of the day yesterday and told me he was stuck for another night, I felt huge guilt. I knew I should go drive up to DC and be with him, but I also had a big big amount of work to get started on. I wanted to see him, but I also wanted to not get behind. I struggled for awhile, but in the end, I told myself, "You know, Becky, this marriage thing is a choice. It's not always going to be easy or fun (although most of the time it is), but these are the things a supportive significant other does." So I made the choice: I drove to DC last night, about three hours away, arriving around 9:00, just in time to have dinner with Andy, play a round or two of text-twist and watch the end of the Patriot's game with him, and go to sleep. Then, four and a half hours later, I was up again to avoid the early morning Monday-after-Thanksgiving DC traffic and be back in time for my 9:00am class. It wasn't exactly fun, but it was good to see Andy, if only for 8 hours.

As a result, the day has been a bit of a haze, but I have gotten a start on my graduate research project for my Young Adult Lit class, which is a huge relief. I was building it up to be a bigger deal than it actually is, so to sit down and start writing the lit review half of the paper is a major stumbling block to have overcome. And frankly, I think this paper is going to be good.

On a similar note, I finished a draft of my Abnormal Psychology Curriculum unit last night, and I'm so proud of it! It was 123 pages to print off (keeping in mind, of course, that many of those pages were worksheets and the like), but it's comprehensive, and has a lot of good resources, and I think it does a good job showing what I have learned about teaching (or at least planning for) gifted kids. I'm so psyched to teach it in the spring!

Thanksgiving

2007-11-22T06:11:00.001-08:00

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, and although it's a little strange to not be home this year (and a little sad, too), I'm nonetheless extremely thankful that 1) I have the Affianced here this week to celebrate with me, which is a welcome break from the Long Distance Relationship, even if it is only only temporary, and 2) We have been invited to my supervisor's house today for Thanksgiving dinner, which means we'll have all the fun and traditional thanksgiving stuff AND I get to be the pie contributor, which means I get to bake this morning! YAY!

Also, the parade is on.

Off to peel apples. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Internal Consistency

2007-11-18T07:58:00.001-08:00

I just scored an 79% on an online midterm. That's a C (a high C, but a C). Now, this is not a grade that I'm particularly comfortable with, but as I get older and start to look at the value of test grades vs. actual learning, I'm starting to understand that perhaps tests aren't everything. So here is my rationalization.

1) The average score for the class (thus far) is an 80%.
2) I forgot that one of the lectures was not in my notebook -- I had a powerpoint printed off, and simply forgot about it, and didn't study it. Having said that, I thought I knew the information alright, but surely looking over it would have been helpful. There is no one to blame but myself for this.
3) After taking the test, I went back through my notes to get an idea of what I missed and what I did wrong. Of course, I didn't have the test questions in front of me, but I mostly remembered the ones I was unsure about, and found the real answers to a couple that I did get wrong. Although it didn't show in my test score, that's also learning.

Re: #3, I'm beginning to see the value of learning over grades, which I think is important. And that's something that certainly has only come since grad school.

So, there you have it. Perhaps my lowest test grade ever (I exaggerate. But only slightly). Guess it's time to take this class a little more seriously.

Social Network

2007-11-16T15:30:00.000-08:00

The other day at my counseling intake interview, the woman, Courtney, asked me how my social life was here at WM. I told her that my social circle was small, but just the right size for the amount of time I have. I pondered this when I went home. It's interesting, because in most other situations, I would be bummed that I don't know more people. But really, the people I do know are fantastic, and I feel totally friend-sated.

First, there is Kathryn, by far the closest thing I have to my other half here. We work together, which is great, because I need someone to write me absurd e-mails (or, more accurately, reply to my firstly-absurd e-mails) and entertain me when I should be working at the Center but really don't want to. Kathryn is great to talk to, and shares my love of binge eating...which isn't always good for my waist-line or eventual stomach-ache, but has been good for chilling out a little and not stressing about my weight (which is fine and holding relatively steady...and I'm still going to the gym, yay for me).

Then there is Dave. Dave is funny and talkative and, as he puts it, an "open book." This is totally true. One morning, while waiting in line for the bike sale, Dave told me his life story. Well, mostly. I was totally in a "want to go back to bed" stupor, so I just nodded along. Later, he tried to retell all the stories one night when we all went out for a drink, and I was finishing all his sentences for him and ruining the ending. He didn't have as much to talk about then, but it was pretty funny. Dave is dependable.

There are also Ben and Eric. These are Dave's roommates. They are funny guys, and exact opposites, Eric being over-the-top outspoken and very politically incorrect, and Ben being quiet and introspective. He doesn't talk much, but what he says is also poignant and insightful. They're both good guys.

And really, that's it. My roommate had to leave me, and the new one is nice enough, although essentially absent. In January, we eagerly await the arrival of the indomitable Katie Baker, back from her hiatus in Ohio where she was completing her first book about the middle-school social scene at WM Law School. I can't to have her back.

I like my new friends.

Red, Orange, and Yellow

2007-11-15T12:20:00.000-08:00

Today, I left my apartment after a relative sleep-in (which was glorious) only to find it spitting rain. Scrapping my well-intentioned decision to ride my bike to work and therefore be kind to the environment, I walked toward the Gradplex parking lot with my head down, trying to keep the rain off my glasses, which is by far the most annoying thing about wearing glasses in the first place. As I was staring at my shoes, I came across a pile of leaves, and realized they were a brilliant yellow. I forced myself to look up, and realized that I had totally missed the leaves changing color. It's not as brilliant as I've seen some places before, but a good deal of the trees around the Gradplex were lovely shades of non-green. It made me realize that, perhaps, I've not been taking enough time to enjoy the small things and notice that, in fact, the seasons are changing.

Then it continued to rain all day, making all walks outside miserable. C'est la vie.

Outrageously Good

2007-11-13T18:43:00.001-08:00

I have one professor here I truly respect at the moment, and today he handed us back our long take-home midterms that he had graded. My final essay (of 4) was deemed "Outrageously good." It's so nice to get criticism that I feel is deserved and that I worked hard for.

Tomorrow is a day of insanity -- there is work at the Center, a lot of work to be done for Thursday and a presentation I'm giving, and some work-ahead on a chunk of lesson plans due next Monday. But, among other things, it's also the first day of counseling at the counseling center! I realize that tomorrow is only going to be intake, but I cannot wait to meet with someone who will nicely sit and listen to me ramble about my poor confusing career crisis with interest. And hopefully offer me some good problem-solving solutions so I can sort out my future.

But, I am also taking some time tomorrow night to visit with Kathryn and eat cheese puffs -- both extremely important things. I am truly becoming better at taking breaks and not freaking out about working ahead, and it's making me feel much more mentally healthy. Having said that, I really must get started on this literature research project...

On a totally random note, I wanted to post a picture of the Affianced and I at Notre Dame a couple weekends ago. Because we heart ND.

...If We Are Women

2007-11-07T15:03:00.000-08:00

Last week in my Young Adult Literature class, we read a novel called Speak using Feminist Literary Theory. My professor wrote the book on theory we are using for the class (which is incidentally excellent), and one of the quotes he used in his text is from Virginia Wolff. It says, "For we think back through our mothers if we are women."

I was supremely bothered by this quote. I read it, and it sounded so nice, and I wanted to think back through my mother and her mother and the generations of mothers before them. But as a woman, I do not feel as if I think back through my mother. I love my mother, and I feel as if she is a good parent and a good person who contributed largely to raising me well, but I don't see myself as like her. From as far back as I can remember, I have been told that I "think like my father." I adopted this to this day identify myself as George's daughter -- stubborn and logical, highly-motivated, and perhaps not as sensitive as I should be toward others feelings. Of course these adjectives aren't the only four things that define me, but I have always felt that my personality was that of a Walter, despite the fact that my interests rested more on the Collins side of things (i.e. musical theater rather than basketball).

However, as I'm writing this, I'm starting to reconsider, because there is one aspect of my life that comes quite clearly from Ann - Catholicism. I suppose at this point I would consider myself to be a lapsed Catholic; I love and respect Catholic tradition, but have a problem with some of the social viewpoints to which Catholicism ascribes. I'm sure I'll come home to the Church eventually, but for now I can't with good conscious call myself practicing. But the Catholic way of thinking, the appreciation for the saints and prayer and the silence of an empty, vaulted church are aspects of my life that I do, indeed think back through my mother for. I am grateful for that.

I'm So Excited! I'm So Excited! I'm So...SCARED!

2007-11-06T18:20:00.000-08:00

If you fair readers have ever experienced the pleasure of seeing the episode of Saved By The Bell entitled "Jessie's Song," in which Jessie gets addicted to "drugs" (i.e. No Doz), then you will understand the reference in the title. If not...consider yourself very unlucky and guy buy seasons I and II of SBTB immediately.

This week has brought an interesting mix of downtime and sheer terror as I look into the upcoming weeks. On the bright side, the evil busy work of student teaching has subsided. I haven't made my portfolio yet, in part because my professor is lazy and cannot manage to get me comments on her observation in a timely manner, but everything is nicely tucked into an accordion file ready to be sorted and placed ever-so-gently into page protectors when the time comes ("the time" being Thanksgiving break).

On the other hand, I have started looking forward to the upcoming few weeks, and for the time being, they appear a little insane. I have a group project and individual critique on the same topic due next week in class, and graduate research project that is a proportionally small part of my grade, but a huge part of fright due by the end of the semester. For said research paper (which is, incidentally, for my elective class, Young Adult Literature), the professor has told us that his goal for this particular paper is submission to an English journal. Um...I write APA style. I haven't touched MLA since high school. This is daunting. Tonight, Professor Moore asked me where I was on my project. My response? "It is currently non-existent." This is not entirely true. I have a lot of resources, and have been picking slowly through young adult novels on my theme (which is "Non-'problem' presentations of homosexuality in young adult literature"), but I haven't started seriously researching any of the literature on the topic, other than to read the novels themselves. Yikes.

Then there are two sets of gifted classroom observations due for two different classes (can we say redundant) which need to be scheduled and reflected upon. In the end, I know this will all be fine, but having been out of town to Notre Dame last weekend, which was wonderful and worth every minute NOT spent studying, and being out of town again this weekend for the National Association for Gifted Children convention, my loss of weekends for school work has been causing slight freakouts.

Just keep breathing.

On a totally different note, I've started to come to terms with the fact that I probably won't teach next year. On the one hand, this bums me out because I have always envisioned myself as a teacher, at least in the recent past. On the other hand, part of me is filled with glee: no lesson plans, no referrals, no early-early mornings, no Sunday night "Crap, I have to go to school tomorrow, I feel sick" feelings in the pit of my stomach. I think I'm going to find an equally thankless and poverty-ridden yet also rewarding job for some kind of non-profit (probably the liberal and progressive kind, what, with being in Vermont and all). The prospect of NOT being in the classroom fills me with equal parts sadness and joy. Teaching really is a job that requires a love-hate relationship...at least, the kind of teaching I did in Louisiana.

Off to be productive. No, seriously. Stop laughing. Interpreting Young Adult Literature, here I come.

Sweet November

2007-11-02T05:35:00.001-07:00

A few years ago, there was a terrible, terrible movie produced called Sweet November. It involved some painful acting by Charlize Theron, and some more-painful non-acting by Keaneau Reeves (because, really, we all know Reeves doesn't act -- he just plays the same character with different names). This entry had nothing to do with that movie.

I finished student teaching yesterday. It feels glorious to be done, and when I was sitting in class in the evening after the last long, long day, I felt giddy like it was summer. And I was free.

The end of teaching went well. The last two days, we were in the computer lab, which was fantastic because all the kids were engaged in what they were doing and having a good time. When I left, the kids all pitched in and bought me a cake and a Barnes and Noble gift card. It was so nice, and I was really touched. That does not mean I'm not thrilled to be finished.

And now it is November. Wonderful, cool, Thanksgiving-laden November. So many good things happen in November, including, you know, seeing the Affianced in person. On two separate occasions. I know. Hold on to your seats.

Today, I am flying to Notre Dame. I have become one of "those alumni" I never thought I'd be. The kind who goes back and gets nostalgic about the "great college years". The kind who might possibly someday bring her children dressed in tiny Notre Dame jerseys. Or, in our case, tiny band uniforms with tiny Shamrock awards for band practice perfect attendance. Glorious.

In Just Three Days...

2007-10-29T18:12:00.000-07:00

I shall have a semblance of a life back.

I shall have 15-20 extra hours a week to use for exercise or work or...sleep.

And I shall be on my way to South Bend to see my affianced for the first time since August. It's about time.

I shall have time to be creative again and write real, humorous (God willing) blog entries.

I can't wait to be a real human again without this ridiculous time-sucker called student teaching.

In other news, the new roommate moved in today. She has minimal things and seems normal and studies in the law library alot. I think we'll get along just fine.

To Teach or Not To Teach. That Is The Question.

2007-10-25T17:57:00.000-07:00

I've been seriously considering the idea of completely scrapping the whole teaching thing next year and doing non-profit work, or something of the sort, mostly because I can't figure out how to navigate the education bureaucracy and there is no one with the knowledge to help me. But then, I read things like Evan's response to my "Affective" (ie, "Feelings") post-test question, "How do you feel when you think about atoms?" Evan: Bored and sleeping, because I mostly learn about atoms in school, and I am mostly bored and sleepy in school. Most of the time.

I giggled.

I'm trying to hang in there, and have done a remarkably good job of pushing the negativity aside today, just because I don't want to deal with it. But it's hard. I'm struggling a little.

Stop Counting the Days Away

2007-10-20T20:01:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I had a good visit with George, who was in town to play golf. Luckily, he found enough time to take me out to dinner, too. We were talking about my brothers and I, and our varied gifts, and Dad told me that he thought mine was in my goal-setting, and planning and organization to reach those goals, although sometimes I bring stress upon myself to get there. This is totally true, and it got me to thinking about the way I'm approaching things right now, which I mentioned a little earlier today.

I am a great planner. I use my DayTimer like it's my job. But I'm never content with getting things done. On the days when I finish my to-do lists (which, let's be honest, is most days, because I don't like to fail on my list, just like I don't like to fail at anything), I don't take a break and chill out. Instead, I look for the next thing that's coming up that I should get started on early, and then it becomes the project for "now."

Now, this way of thinking has its advantages. I am never late turning in papers. In fact, I often have them done several weeks ahead of time, and this saves me a lot of last-minute stress, which I absolutely hate. However, this frame of mind comes at the expense of giving myself a freaking break. Today, I got a lot done. I effectively got my next week of classes ready for student teaching, with a little room for flexibility. I watched my tape of myself teaching from last week, and filled out the self-observation form. I typed up my discussion questions for my book group for my Lit for Adolescents class. Yesterday, I finished my reading for my Curriculum class for the week, and also got the chapter read in my theory book for the aforementioned lit class. Now, at 11:00, I should just chill out and read one of my self-selected kids books for enjoyment (which also, incidentally, will double as classwork...how cool is that?)

But instead, I feel like I should go get some "academic" reading done, or plan a lesson, or something. I don't want to, but I have a hard time drawing the line. I have time, shouldn't I fill it with schoolwork?

This is also part of the reason that living alone is bad for me. I have little to distract me, and so I work like a fiend.

I look at my schedule for tomorrow, and instead of seeing it as a new day full of opportunities, I see it as a list of hours, some of which are already filled up with things like ballroom dancing and tap dancing classes, and talking with Andy. And I LIKE to do those things. But instead of seeing them as things I get to do, things to look forward to, I start to think of them as things that are taking time away from my schoolwork which, as I mentioned this morning, is not hard, just time-consuming.

I need to do some work on giving myself a break, on enjoying things as they come. I'm a good time manager, and that's great, but life should not be consumed with crossing things off a list, and seeing things not on that list as distractors. Rather, those things that aren't on my list are the things that really make me who I am. I hope I don't define myself as "Someone who plans curriculum" or "Someone who works at the Center for Gifted Ed" or "Someone who writes tests about atoms." Rather, I am "A fiancee to a wonderful and sarcastic man," "someone who hangs out with her friends," and, frankly, "a damn fine tap dancer." Last year, I let myself be defined and consumed by teaching, and now I find myself doing the same thing with schoolwork. And as I look into my future next year and my career as a teacher is questionable, then that's all the more reason not to let myself become defined by my work as a teacher or student. I need to maintain my actual identity that is unrelated to those things, because in 9 months, I may actually be nothing more than a Barnes and Noble employee -- but I'll still be me, as long as I can spend enough time maintaining me to recognize myself when I come out on the other side of this whole experience.

Loosen Up

2007-10-20T07:24:00.000-07:00

Last night, my friend Dave had a birthday party, and it was just what I needed to lighten up. And I don't just mean for the evening, I mean overall. It's been weird here -- I've been working hard and doing my best, although the coursework I'm taking, while time-consuming, isn't at all challenging. In fact, in that aspect, it's been a real disappointment. But that doesn't mean I'm not putting forward my best work, because I am. I just wish that my best work didn't ceiling out quite so easily.

So I've been getting frustrated because I've been putting in so much time and energy for relatively little gain, which sucks. And last night, I went to Dave's, had a little "juice" as DJ lovingly refers to adult beverages when story-telling about his college days, and just chilled out. I met some new people, mostly law students, who seem really nice, and then, when the evening was over, I came home and went to bed without setting an alarm.

I still woke up relatively early this morning, went out and took care of a few errands and now, I think I'm just going to go back to bed. The old, high-stress Becky would have thought, "No, must stay away and accomplish things!" The new Becky is going to enjoy the weekend...at least a little. Some work has to been accomplished today...

Insanity is Just Around the Corner

2007-10-14T17:55:00.000-07:00

For better or for worse, the insanity begins tomorrow. I start my "Practicum" (a fancy word that translates into "unpaid student teaching"), and my schedule for the next three weeks looks something like this on a day-to-day basis:

7:00-10:15: Work at the Center
10:45-3:00: Go to school and teach 3-4 Science classes
3:30-5:00: Go back to the Center to work
5:00 into the evening: Go to class or, if I am so lucky as to not have class, work desperately to stay on top of reading/projects for these said classes. Oh, also make sure I'm all set to teach tomorrow.
10:00pm: Bedtime (What? I'm pathetic? Yes.)

And then, when the three weeks are over, I get to jump back in and start working overtime to make up for all those hours at the Center I have missed. Ahhh...I love the good old graduate assistantship!

Having said that, I need to go do some reading before I crash at the pathetic hour tonight. I can't WAIT for the 6:00 alarm to sound!

Why Bother?

2007-10-09T19:17:00.000-07:00

In the midst of navigating the "interstate teacher licensure maze", I'm starting to wonder whether its all worthwhile.

Vermont is telling me that despite the fact that I have a BA from a top-20 university, two years of teaching experience in middle school science, and a master's degree (soon) in gifted education from one of the top programs in the nation, they don't want to give me a license to teach in their state because I don't have at least a minor in Science.

I guess I kind of see their point. Which makes me wonder whether I should just scrap teaching all together -- I'm not an expert in anything useful in the K-12 classroom (somehow I don't think Psychology is super-marketable to that crowd), so what's the point. In order to deal with the Vermont situation, I essentially have to go back and get the equivalent of a minor in Science courses (great, more useless, non-intrinsically interesting school) or switch teaching subjects to Social Studies, which I might be able to convince someone I have a background in (Psychology is a Social Science, right?).

I feel like I should be strong and keep pushing for what I want to do. But I also don't want to have to deal with this every time I want to move to a new state. Why should I have to be static in my geographic location just because my profession is stupid and can't agree with the state next door who to let teach and who to ban from the classroom?

Maybe now is a good time to look into getting that job with NPR. Or as a pastry chef. Or something else NOT in the classroom. Because people in the classroom don't want me.

If I Didn't Own My New Bike, I Would Covet It

2007-10-06T08:57:00.000-07:00

This morning, Dave and I got up at 6:30 to go to the bike sale. Despite something like 60 people being in line in front of us, I got this bike for $10. Granted, it would look nicer if I took the picture outside, with beams of light bouncing off the shiny chrome, but come on...How cool is it? And look. It came with streamers.

I am totally purchasing a basket for it.

You Went What?

2007-10-06T08:20:00.001-07:00

Last weekend, I went hiking. Of my own volition. By myself. No peer pressure involved. Everyone who knows me as (quite accurately) unathletic may now scrape your jaws off the floor.

I just needed a little break from work and some quite time, and my friend that I spend a vast majority of my time with had a visitor from out of town, so I thought "Let's get out and see a bit of the Williamsburg area."

I found a park area that had several short trails that could be strung together into a decently long hike, and spent a good hour and a half or so at the park. It was really nice and quiet and lovely, except for one incident: The Deer.

I know that deer are supposed to be gentle and beautiful, but they actually scare the crap out of me. My friend Kathryn's apartment is around the back of the lady's house that she rents from, and it's right next to the woods. One morning, I went to pick her up for the gym, and two deer were literally feet from me staring. I was petrified, and did the "don't make eye contact" walk, hoping they wouldn't attack.

When I was hiking last weekend, there was was point where I was totally absorbed in my thoughts, and suddenly, at a bit of a distance, two deer come tearing through the trees. Not at me, not even near me, but I almost peed myself, wilding thinking "What if they come this way? What do I do? No one is around. AUGH!" I froze, waited until they ran past, and decided to stop my hike at the end of that path, lest they make another appearance.

I got some good pictures on the hike, though.

But...It's My Name!

2007-09-28T18:18:00.000-07:00

Today, I called George to talk to him about a banking decision I was considering (yes, I'm 24 years old and still consult my father about all financial matters). Before we got to that part of the conversation, however, his reply to my hello was "Becky? Becky Wxxxxx? Or Becky Pxxxxx?" to which I responses "Becky Wxxxxx-Pxxxxx." Thus ensued an interesting conversation about my future married name that went something like this:

"Are you going to be hyphenated?"
"Yeah, I think I am."
"But maybe you could just drop Marie and make Wxxxxx your middle name."
"I offered that option to Andy if he also made Wxxxxx his middle name."
(Slightly confused silence). "Maybe you could just give in and take Pxxxxx."
"Would you have given up your name when you got married?"
"Well, as a male, I wasn't asked to, so I can't really say. And I can't answer as a female, that wouldn't be fair. I don't really know. What about your children?"
"They'll just be Pxxxxxs."
"But do you really want to have a different last name as them?"
"Well, I considered doing the two last names, no hyphen thing (Becky Wxxxxx Pxxxxx), but I figured that would be too confusing. And I feel like hyphenating identifies me with my children more than just keeping my own name would."
"Actually, the two last names might be a good decision. That way, as you become more acclimated to Pxxxxx, you can just phase out Wxxxxx."
"Or I could keep both my names."
"Well, you might decide in a couple years to just go with Pxxxxx. But you could always do another name change if you do make that decision."
"Well, see, George, I didn't feel so strongly about my name until everyone called me that for two years. I mean, I was Ms. Wxxxxx every day at school for a long time."
"So it's kind of an identity thing?"
"I guess. And also, I know some people don't care much for their family or had a bad childhood, but I like my family alright. I don't really want to get rid of Wxxxxx."
"Well, that's good...Do you think there's some sense of irony that the name you're trying so hard to maintain comes from a relatively stubborn line of people?" (This thought really tickles George, and he is absolutely belly laughing)
"I'm sure Lois would agree."

It was a very interesting conversation, and there were many times when I felt like Dad was just totally missing my point. However, I respect the fact that 1) He didn't try to pretend he would know what he would have done had he been the female in his own marriage situation and 2) Despite the fact that I know he thinks it's silly for me to hyphenate or keep my own name, he's still being supportive of it.

The Octopus watches

2007-09-27T20:13:00.000-07:00

I found this really amazing piece of jewelry this summer, and purchased it in a very spur of the moment way, which is highly unlike me. But it's so unique and cool, and I've gotten a ton of comments upon it today, including one from a guy at swing dancing who was genuinely a little bit disturbed by it, I think. Although it is possible that he could have been disturbed by the fact that he was about to attempt a dip move with a woman several inches taller than him (that would be me) of no tiny stature.

I've been realizing that I have been very bad about taking time for myself this year. I get very caught up in schoolwork (especially now that I'm without a roommate to distract me -- I do dislike living alone), and partly because I'm trying to be a beast about "banking hours" at work so that I can take time off for Thanksgiving and leaving for Christmas, etc. But that me time is really important for balance, and so tonight, I'm watching a movie, and this weekend, I'm going to find a nice trail and go hiking.

I wish I had Dad's old manual camera here, but it was one of the (few) things I decided I didn't need at William and Mary. But if I had it, I'd take it with me and have a little photo shoot. Alas, I'll have to enjoy the scenery the old fashion way with my eyes.

The Elusive Half-Size

2007-09-23T07:19:00.000-07:00

I have big feet. Not ungodly large or anything, but I wear a good solid 10.5 in most shoes.

That's the problem. See, shoe manufacturers, generally, make sizes from 5.5-10, then skip to 11. I realize that this is probably an economic thing -- as you get to the extremes in size, less people wear them. Right, ok, that logically makes sense, but I'd love to get a shoe manufacturer, grab him by the collar and shake him, and say You try walking around in too-big shoes all the time. It seems so unfair.

Now, usually, I just stick with the 11s. Now and again, I'll find a shoe that runs big or small and a pair will actually fit. Or, in the case of Chuck Taylors (God bless them), they make half sizes that large because their shoes are unisex, and my size wouldn't be considered an extreme for men. For that reason, I have also been known to purchase a pair of mens shoes on the rare occasion.

I'm pretty easy going. It makes me angry, but I can usually deal with the problem.

Until now. I'm trying to find wedding shoes.

I refuse to wear ill-fitting shoes for my wedding. I want cuteness and comfort. I'm having a heck of a time achieving that. It's maddening. When I do find a pair of 10.5 shoes, they are ugly. I'm not going to wear orthopedic shoes to my wedding!

Maybe I'll just track down a shoe manufacturer to shake.

Discernment

2007-09-17T18:34:00.000-07:00

My roommate just told me that she's thinking about switching out of law school and into another graduate program, perhaps in policy, American studies, or educational administration. I had been getting the sense that she was really stressed out here, and was wondering just tonight if she really liked law school, so I'm really happy that she's looking into other things and working to find the best fit for her. The process of discernment is so wonderful -- I love looking into new things, trying things out, and I'm so happy for people when they find something they really want to do.

A few people quit Teach For America after our first year. TFA treats such people in a very weird way -- they immediately take their picture off the TFA bulletin board in the office, and the whole thing becomes very hush hush in the "Name that is no longer spoken" kind of way. But I have so much respect for people who are able to look at a situation, especially part-way through, and say, "Nope, this isn't for me. I thought it was. I thought wrong. Time to try again." Not that perpetual searching is necessarily profitable or even fiscally feasible, but I do believe that there is a right time and mission and path for everyone, and it's not always what you think it's going to be.

My good friend here, Kathryn, is in the counseling program, and I'm having a tiny inkling in the pit of my stomach that I might want to try that in the future. I think I'll stick with gifted ed for the time being, because I do miss being in the classroom, but I guess I hadn't realized how much I miss having real content in my own education -- she's learning Psychology, and I'm learning vague and abstract theory. I miss my Psych.

On the other hand, I feel extremely fortunate that in one year, I will have a piece of paper in my hand that, more or less, says I can teach gifted kids. I also feel fortunate that I am determined and adventurous, and I know that if, someday, counseling becomes the thing for me, there's always another master's degree out there to be had. I could be a perpetual student and be completely happy.

Although, talk about not being fiscally feasible... :)

"Top 100 Songs from High School"

2007-09-15T08:53:00.000-07:00

Thanks, Ms. Snoring Scholar, for the invitation. I need a study break. You know, I've been working for an entire...35 minutes. Whew!

Oops...I was supposed to use songs from my graduation year. Not Sarah's graduation year. I think it's all coming together now...And this list is SO much better! :)

Bold = I loved it!
Underlined = I liked it
~~Strikeout~~ = I didn't like it!
Nothing = Uh...I didn't care

1. Lady Marmalade Christina Aguilera, Lil' Kim, Mya & Pink
2. Fallin', Alicia Keys
3. I'm Real, Jennifer Lopez
4. Family Affair, Mary J. Blige
5. Butterfly, Crazy Town
6. Thank You, Dido
~~7. Don't Tell Me, Madonna~~
8. He Loves U Not, Dream
9. Gone, 'N Sync
10. Love Don't Cost A Thing, Jennifer Lopez
~~11. Hero, Enrique Iglesias~~ (I once "swing danced" to this song. It was pathetic.)
12. Hanging By A Moment, Lifehouse
13. Drops Of Jupiter, Train (I an neutral because this song got SO OLD)
14. Jaded, Aerosmith
15. U Remind Me, Usher
16. Hit 'Em Up Style, Blu Cantrell
17. Survivor, Destiny's Child
~~18. It Wasn't Me. Shaggy featuring Ricardo "Rikrok" Ducent~~
19. All For You, Janet Jackson
~~20. Angel, Shaggy featuring Rayvon~~ (Stupid re-do)
21. Turn Off The Light, Nelly Furtado
22. All Or Nothing, O-Town
~~23. How You Remind Me, Nickelback~~
24. Someone To Call My Lover, Janet Jackson
25. Fill Me In, Craig David
~~26. It's Been Awhile, Staind~~
27. I'm Like A Bird, Nelly Furtado
28. Bootylicious, Destiny's Child
29. Again, Lenny Kravitz
30. Let Me Blow Ya Mind, Eve featuring Gwen Stefani
31. Everywhere, Michelle Branch (This song has three chords, which is why I can play it on my guitar)
32. Stutter, Joe featuring Mystikal
~~33. Irresistable , Jessica Simpson~~
~~34. I Hope You Dance, Lee Ann Womack~~
35. Nobody Wants To Be Lonely, Ricky Martin & Christina Aguilera
36. Here's To The Night, Eve 6
37. Beautiful Day, U2
38. Emotion, Destiny's Child
39. Superman (It's Not Easy), Five For Fighting
40. Southside, Moby with Gwen Stefani
41. The Space Between, Dave Matthews Band
42. Play, Jennifer Lopez
43. When It's Over, Sugar Ray
44. Drive, Incubus
45. More Than That, Backstreet Boys
46. What Would You, Do City High
47. Be Like That, 3 Doors Down
48. I Wanna Be Bad ,Willa Ford
49. Peaches & Cream , 112
50. Ride Wit Me, Nelly
51. Only Time, Enya
52. Where The Party At, Jagged Edge with Nelly
53. Standing Still, Jewel
54. Pop, 'N Sync
55. This Is Me , Dream
~~56. Never Had A Dream Come True, S Club 7~~
57. Crazy, K-Ci & JoJo
58. You Make Me Sick, Pink
59. What It Feels Like For A Girl, Madonna
60. E.I., Nelly
61. Dig In, Lenny Kravitz
62. Get Ur Freak On, Missy Elliott
63. Breathless, The Corrs
64. Every Other Time, LFO
65. Yellow, Coldplay
66. Best I Ever Had (Grey Sky Morning), Vertical Horizon
67. One Minute Man, Missy Elliott
68. I Do, Toya
69. Fly Away From Here, Aerosmith
~~70. I'm A Slave 4 U, Britney Spears~~
71. Smooth Criminal, Alien Ant Farm
72. Still On Your Side, BBMak
73. No More (Baby I'ma Do Right), 3LW
74. My Everything, 98 Degrees
75. Ms. Jackson, Outkast
76. Start The Commotion, The Wiseguys
77. Free, Mya
78. Baby, Come On Over (This Is Our Night), Samantha Mumba
79. Hemmorhage (In My Hands), Fuel
80. Drowning, Backstreet Boys
81. Around The World (La La La…), ATC
82. Thank You For Loving Me, Bon Jovi
83. AM To PM, Christina Milian
84. Izzo (H.O.V.A.), Jay-Z
85. Flavor Of The Week, American Hi-Fi
86. What's Going On, All Star Tribute
~~87. Stronger, Britney Spears~~
88. One More Time, Daft Punk
89. I'm A Believer, Smash Mouth
90. We Fit Together, O-Town
91. Differences, Ginuwine
~~92. Follow Me, Uncle Kracker~~
93. There You'll Be, Faith Hill
94. So In Love With Two, Mikaila
95. In My Pocket, Mandy Moore
96. Mad Season, Matchbox 20
97. Bad Day,, Fuel
98. What's Your Fantasy Ludacris
99. Liquid Dreams, O-Town
100. Babylon, David Gray

Literature for Adolescents and Social Reconstructivism

2007-09-11T18:21:00.001-07:00

I'm taking a class this semester called Literature for Adolescents. Now, as a disclaimer, I love to read, but I loved it even more when I was a teenager, and thus, in many ways, my interests in books still falls a bit on the juvenile side. So really, this class is perfect for me.

But the most interesting part of the class is the professor. The first day, we jumped right into activities and sharing and discussion, which is usually not at all up my alley, but he was so positive about it, and was clear that these activities were things he really believed in, and things that he thought were going to ultimately be very important to us in constructing our knowledge of Young Adult Literature. At the end of that first class (which was just last week), Dr. Moore told us that he considers himself to be a social constructivist.

I'm now pulling out my Ed Psych book to give you an accurate idea of what social constructivism is. Vygotsky is the name of the man who did a lot with this theory (you may remember old Lev from my discussion of the Zone of Proximal Development earlier when I was talking about Scrabble). Vygotsky believed that "learners first construct knowledge in a social context and then appropriate and internalize it." Which basically means that by treating this class as a discussion group, we're going to come up with our own theories and ideas about the books we're reading, construct a meaning for them together, and then internalize that meaning and knowledge in our own ways.

Now, I love Vygotsky for his ZPD idea, but generally I think social constructivism is a bunch of hooey. This might be, in part, because I never got much out of working with groups in school because I always ended up doing most of the work and constructing my own meaning (to which Vygotsky would probably argue that if I had been afforded a peer group at the same mental level as I, I would have been able to construct better meaning from the knowledge I was supposed to be gaining). In addition, there are some real problems to just letting kids go with constructing their own knowledge and hoping that they'll stumble across the "right" knowledge. For some areas of school, that's not important -- for example, it's ok to come to one interpretation of a text and is different from someone else's, but it's NOT ok to come to an interpretation of gravity that isn't correct.

But despite all of my general dislike for this theory of education, Dr. Moore is so clearly intelligent and implementing this idea so well that I have to say he's bringing me around. There's no touchy-feely crap going on in the class (at least, not thus far), and he is giving us significantly difficult assignments and a pretty heavy workload, both things I don't associate with social constructivism. To me, however, there's nothing so satisfying as taking a class with someone who is both incredibly intelligent and, at the same time, personable and good at teaching (not someone who's a genius but who can't explain simple concepts). I take those people more seriously, especially when I'm paying them to teach me.

Study Break

2007-09-08T10:30:00.000-07:00

I'm in the library, having just finished a killer 1-hour reading of, oh, 7 pages of introductory young adult literary theory. I'm torn, because I learned an awful lot and processed a good deal in that hour, but still, an hour for seven pages seems a little ridiculous. I'm not saying I could have done it faster, because I had a study guide to complete as I was reading, but rather, perhaps next time our prof could give us fewer questions? Please?

I like to work ahead, to plan out study sessions to maximize time and get things done and stay focused (and study breaks, such as this little foray into blogworld are very important to maintaining focus and not burning out). But for me, the absolute best part of studying is the planning. When I can sit in front of my planner (God bless Maureen and Liz and Anna who gave it to me for my birthday senior year of college), and use my sticky notes and colored pens to make lists, and then retool the lists as I place tasks in order of priority. I derive great pleasure from being able to cross tasks off lists.

I'm a little Type A, which I firmly believe serves me well in life. It makes things like wedding planning easier. It makes me a good candidate for planning conferences for work, and I truly am working on a bear of a conference for January, with something in the realm of 50 presenters on various career fields, and 500 student/parent participants.

Sometimes I get a little out of control, like when I spent actual time at work planning how I can spend more time at work to "bank hours" for later in the semester when I know I won't be able to pull 20 hours a week. Or when I write the rough draft of a paper a full month ahead of time. Being so Type A brings with it a small amount of anxiety. But in the end, when my fellow students are pulling all-nighters, and I crawl into bed at midnight for my full 8 hours of sweet, sweet slumber, it is then that I appreciate this organized impulse I've been blessed with.

I'm Not the Dummy

2007-09-06T22:30:00.000-07:00

Tonight was a fantastic night. I had class (which was not fantastic), and then I went to swing dancing in the Graduate Complex Lounge. It was great! There was a little lesson, and then we just danced until we wanted to leave. It brought back old memories of Notre Dame and swing dancing. I was so pleasantly surprised that there were a good number of guys there, and they did their job very well in rotating and asking the girls to all dance in turn. It was such a nice pleasant atmosphere, and everyone was extremely friendly.

Then, when we decided to leave, Dave and LaToya and Kathryn and I decided to go out for a drink. Now, I'm not a big drinker (my parents can attest to my being an extremely cheap date), and I don't generally like the bar scene a whole lot, when the music is so loud you can't hear anyone, etc. But tonight it was really good. After the four of us had been there awhile, just chatting, a couple of Dave and LaToya's law school classmates showed up, who were also extremely nice guys. Everyone made Kathryn and I (who are both non-law students -- I know her from work at the Center for Gifted Education) feel as if we were already a part of the group. It was seamless and very generous of them. Notre Dame and Teach for America were never so open. I always felt vaguely like I was reliving middle school in social situations, and there was none of that overtone here.

I've been thinking back a lot to Notre Dame, I think because it's a more analogous experience to school here than Teach for America was, and as we were walking home tonight and lightly discussing politics, I found myself very comfortable talking about it with Dave and LaToya. It was funny -- at Notre Dame, most of my friends were in the Honors Program with me, and (with the exception of my girls), I never quite felt like I was up to speed with them all. There were a few souls with whom I truly felt completely comfortable, but a lot of time, I felt just one step less intelligent than everyone, and once in awhile, conversations would devolve into obvious attempts to decide who was really "the smartest." For example, the oh-so-dreaded "What other schools were you accepted to?" conversation. Like it mattered that you got into Yale or Harvard or...anywhere else. We were all at Notre Dame together, and I found that kind of conversation vaguely annoying, like we still had something to prove. I also had significantly less tolerance for arguments about hypothetical and/or abstract ideas or theories than the other HP kids. They could debate philosophical and theological stuff for hours, and it bored me after the first, oh, 25 minutes or so. I loved the depth of conversation, but not so much the refusing to budge and redundant nature of them. Sometimes, it just seemed like mental masturbation, a way of pointing out how "deep" and "insightful" people thought themselves to be.

Interestingly, I don't feel like I have to prove anything here. The graduate students (and the law students) have such different backgrounds, there's no point in comparing, and that's nice. There's a certain level of intelligence assumed, because unmotivated people don't choose to do graduate work, but people don't try to compare experiences, they share them. When I talk to the other grad students, even the physics doctoral students, they're just people and we're just chatting, not trying to one-up each other.

I don't want to give the impression that ND was bad -- it wasn't, and I loved it, and my HP friends were my center there. It's just that this is refreshing, and I feel much more comfortable much more quickly. I wonder if it's simply a matter of everyone's maturity. It's amazing what a few years can do.

Scrabulous and the Zone of Proximal Development

2007-09-05T14:37:00.001-07:00

I can now play Scrabble on Facebook. My favorite game combined with my favorite time-waster. Glorious.

Andy and I play Scrabble a lot. It's challenging, because he's better than I am. There's a developmental psychologist named Vygotsky that educators talk about a lot, because he developed this idea called the "Zone of Proximal Development" (ZPD). The idea is that kids learn things the best when they are given tasks that are just above their capabilities, so they have to stretch to complete them. Well, a Scrabble game with Andy is right in my ZPD. I rarely win, but I'm close enough to his ability to keep him from completely killing me every time...then I'd lose motivation, and Vygotsky doesn't want that!

I think, aside from Scrabble, Andy and I are relatively well-matched mentally. I would have to imagine that's going to be key for a good marriage, as long as neither of us gets too smart in graduate school. (I can safely say that's not a danger for me...)

Identity Crisis

2007-09-04T19:34:00.000-07:00

I started grad school this summer at William and Mary. I'm also working 20 hours a week at the Center for Gifted Education, a fantastic gold star for the resume (not to mention they're paying a good chunk of my tuition...). When I walked in on my first day, aside from being thrown into the melee of a conference for hundreds of teachers that the Center was running, I also made the decision to introduce myself as Rebecca. It made sense -- when I taught at Clinton Middle School last year, whenever anyone there referred to me by anything other than Ms. Walter, it was always Rebecca. And, you know, Becky is the name of a kid. Rebecca sounds more mature, and makes sense to use professionally.

Right, brilliant. Identity crisis ensues.

I answer the phone at work and forget that my name is now Rebecca. I accidentally introduce myself to 1 of 17 presenters at a conference as Becky, and I feel warm and fuzzy with the familiarity, but slightly worried that someone will call me out on it. People call out to me from inside their offices at the Center, and I don't realize they're talking to me when they call "Rebecca." And then, I realized that 75% of the people in my classes this semester (at which I made the conscious decision to be the less formal "Becky"), also work with me at the Center. So then I become that annoying person who can't answer the question "But what do you prefer to be called?"

Even now, I start a new blog, and it asks me what name I want to post under. Oh man. I was tempted to call myself something neutral, like "Woman," "Hildegaard von Bingen" or "Hey You". I think I settled on Rebecca M. I felt relief, however, when I realized that blog-setting-up decision was changeable, like the title.

Oh, yes, the title. I sat at my desk staring at the hole in the leg of my jeans for a full five minutes trying to decide what to call this little adventure. I envy those people who have the dedication to stick to blogs with a purpose. Like the restaurant reviewers, or the political commentators (who bore me to tears, but hey, at least they have a purpose), or even Mom, who can keep a kind of religious "musings with Jesus" theme going in her blog. But I don't have a theme. I can't think of anything important enough to me that I could weave it throughout a long sequence of postings.

So I went to thesaurus.com and searched the synonyms for "miscellaneous." You know, as in, "Becky's Page of Miscellanea" (this was, literally, the name of my webpage that I created in 8th grade when I taught myself HTML and was hosted by geocities in Vienna/Strasse...oh, the good old days!). But as I thought about it, that just seemed like advertising my indecision and lack of overarching life philosophy. What's a girl to do?

Flight of the Conchords.

I knew the boys would inspire me. The first song on the CD that Andy, my fiance burned for me, which I assume is called "Part Time Model", includes a line that says something to the effect of, "You're the most beautiful girl in the whole wide room." Perfect. Vague, witty, and uncommitted to anything.

I am a little nervous about this blog. As I previously mentioned, my mother just started her own missive in cyberspace, which, if not overbearing, is at least slightly theological in nature. I hope I don't offend her with my wild, worldly, and sometimes nonCatholic ideas.

I guess we'll see how it all goes. And perhaps, more importantly, if I become at all regular in posting. My old online journal was sadly neglected. I'm hoping the pretty template for this blog will keep me engaged a bit more consistently.