I'm So Excited! I'm So Excited! I'm So...SCARED!

If you fair readers have ever experienced the pleasure of seeing the episode of Saved By The Bell entitled "Jessie's Song," in which Jessie gets addicted to "drugs" (i.e. No Doz), then you will understand the reference in the title. If not...consider yourself very unlucky and guy buy seasons I and II of SBTB immediately.

This week has brought an interesting mix of downtime and sheer terror as I look into the upcoming weeks. On the bright side, the evil busy work of student teaching has subsided. I haven't made my portfolio yet, in part because my professor is lazy and cannot manage to get me comments on her observation in a timely manner, but everything is nicely tucked into an accordion file ready to be sorted and placed ever-so-gently into page protectors when the time comes ("the time" being Thanksgiving break).

On the other hand, I have started looking forward to the upcoming few weeks, and for the time being, they appear a little insane. I have a group project and individual critique on the same topic due next week in class, and graduate research project that is a proportionally small part of my grade, but a huge part of fright due by the end of the semester. For said research paper (which is, incidentally, for my elective class, Young Adult Literature), the professor has told us that his goal for this particular paper is submission to an English journal. Um...I write APA style. I haven't touched MLA since high school. This is daunting. Tonight, Professor Moore asked me where I was on my project. My response? "It is currently non-existent." This is not entirely true. I have a lot of resources, and have been picking slowly through young adult novels on my theme (which is "Non-'problem' presentations of homosexuality in young adult literature"), but I haven't started seriously researching any of the literature on the topic, other than to read the novels themselves. Yikes.

Then there are two sets of gifted classroom observations due for two different classes (can we say redundant) which need to be scheduled and reflected upon. In the end, I know this will all be fine, but having been out of town to Notre Dame last weekend, which was wonderful and worth every minute NOT spent studying, and being out of town again this weekend for the National Association for Gifted Children convention, my loss of weekends for school work has been causing slight freakouts.

Just keep breathing.

On a totally different note, I've started to come to terms with the fact that I probably won't teach next year. On the one hand, this bums me out because I have always envisioned myself as a teacher, at least in the recent past. On the other hand, part of me is filled with glee: no lesson plans, no referrals, no early-early mornings, no Sunday night "Crap, I have to go to school tomorrow, I feel sick" feelings in the pit of my stomach. I think I'm going to find an equally thankless and poverty-ridden yet also rewarding job for some kind of non-profit (probably the liberal and progressive kind, what, with being in Vermont and all). The prospect of NOT being in the classroom fills me with equal parts sadness and joy. Teaching really is a job that requires a love-hate relationship...at least, the kind of teaching I did in Louisiana.

Off to be productive. No, seriously. Stop laughing. Interpreting Young Adult Literature, here I come.

Sweet November

A few years ago, there was a terrible, terrible movie produced called Sweet November. It involved some painful acting by Charlize Theron, and some more-painful non-acting by Keaneau Reeves (because, really, we all know Reeves doesn't act -- he just plays the same character with different names). This entry had nothing to do with that movie.

I finished student teaching yesterday. It feels glorious to be done, and when I was sitting in class in the evening after the last long, long day, I felt giddy like it was summer. And I was free.

The end of teaching went well. The last two days, we were in the computer lab, which was fantastic because all the kids were engaged in what they were doing and having a good time. When I left, the kids all pitched in and bought me a cake and a Barnes and Noble gift card. It was so nice, and I was really touched. That does not mean I'm not thrilled to be finished.

And now it is November. Wonderful, cool, Thanksgiving-laden November. So many good things happen in November, including, you know, seeing the Affianced in person. On two separate occasions. I know. Hold on to your seats.

Today, I am flying to Notre Dame. I have become one of "those alumni" I never thought I'd be. The kind who goes back and gets nostalgic about the "great college years". The kind who might possibly someday bring her children dressed in tiny Notre Dame jerseys. Or, in our case, tiny band uniforms with tiny Shamrock awards for band practice perfect attendance. Glorious.

In Just Three Days...

I shall have a semblance of a life back.

I shall have 15-20 extra hours a week to use for exercise or work or...sleep.

And I shall be on my way to South Bend to see my affianced for the first time since August. It's about time.

I shall have time to be creative again and write real, humorous (God willing) blog entries.

I can't wait to be a real human again without this ridiculous time-sucker called student teaching.

In other news, the new roommate moved in today. She has minimal things and seems normal and studies in the law library alot. I think we'll get along just fine.

To Teach or Not To Teach. That Is The Question.

I've been seriously considering the idea of completely scrapping the whole teaching thing next year and doing non-profit work, or something of the sort, mostly because I can't figure out how to navigate the education bureaucracy and there is no one with the knowledge to help me. But then, I read things like Evan's response to my "Affective" (ie, "Feelings") post-test question, "How do you feel when you think about atoms?" Evan: Bored and sleeping, because I mostly learn about atoms in school, and I am mostly bored and sleepy in school. Most of the time.

I giggled.

I'm trying to hang in there, and have done a remarkably good job of pushing the negativity aside today, just because I don't want to deal with it. But it's hard. I'm struggling a little.

Stop Counting the Days Away

Tonight, I had a good visit with George, who was in town to play golf. Luckily, he found enough time to take me out to dinner, too. We were talking about my brothers and I, and our varied gifts, and Dad told me that he thought mine was in my goal-setting, and planning and organization to reach those goals, although sometimes I bring stress upon myself to get there. This is totally true, and it got me to thinking about the way I'm approaching things right now, which I mentioned a little earlier today.

I am a great planner. I use my DayTimer like it's my job. But I'm never content with getting things done. On the days when I finish my to-do lists (which, let's be honest, is most days, because I don't like to fail on my list, just like I don't like to fail at anything), I don't take a break and chill out. Instead, I look for the next thing that's coming up that I should get started on early, and then it becomes the project for "now."

Now, this way of thinking has its advantages. I am never late turning in papers. In fact, I often have them done several weeks ahead of time, and this saves me a lot of last-minute stress, which I absolutely hate. However, this frame of mind comes at the expense of giving myself a freaking break. Today, I got a lot done. I effectively got my next week of classes ready for student teaching, with a little room for flexibility. I watched my tape of myself teaching from last week, and filled out the self-observation form. I typed up my discussion questions for my book group for my Lit for Adolescents class. Yesterday, I finished my reading for my Curriculum class for the week, and also got the chapter read in my theory book for the aforementioned lit class. Now, at 11:00, I should just chill out and read one of my self-selected kids books for enjoyment (which also, incidentally, will double as classwork...how cool is that?)

But instead, I feel like I should go get some "academic" reading done, or plan a lesson, or something. I don't want to, but I have a hard time drawing the line. I have time, shouldn't I fill it with schoolwork?

This is also part of the reason that living alone is bad for me. I have little to distract me, and so I work like a fiend.

I look at my schedule for tomorrow, and instead of seeing it as a new day full of opportunities, I see it as a list of hours, some of which are already filled up with things like ballroom dancing and tap dancing classes, and talking with Andy. And I LIKE to do those things. But instead of seeing them as things I get to do, things to look forward to, I start to think of them as things that are taking time away from my schoolwork which, as I mentioned this morning, is not hard, just time-consuming.

I need to do some work on giving myself a break, on enjoying things as they come. I'm a good time manager, and that's great, but life should not be consumed with crossing things off a list, and seeing things not on that list as distractors. Rather, those things that aren't on my list are the things that really make me who I am. I hope I don't define myself as "Someone who plans curriculum" or "Someone who works at the Center for Gifted Ed" or "Someone who writes tests about atoms." Rather, I am "A fiancee to a wonderful and sarcastic man," "someone who hangs out with her friends," and, frankly, "a damn fine tap dancer." Last year, I let myself be defined and consumed by teaching, and now I find myself doing the same thing with schoolwork. And as I look into my future next year and my career as a teacher is questionable, then that's all the more reason not to let myself become defined by my work as a teacher or student. I need to maintain my actual identity that is unrelated to those things, because in 9 months, I may actually be nothing more than a Barnes and Noble employee -- but I'll still be me, as long as I can spend enough time maintaining me to recognize myself when I come out on the other side of this whole experience.

Loosen Up

Last night, my friend Dave had a birthday party, and it was just what I needed to lighten up. And I don't just mean for the evening, I mean overall. It's been weird here -- I've been working hard and doing my best, although the coursework I'm taking, while time-consuming, isn't at all challenging. In fact, in that aspect, it's been a real disappointment. But that doesn't mean I'm not putting forward my best work, because I am. I just wish that my best work didn't ceiling out quite so easily.

So I've been getting frustrated because I've been putting in so much time and energy for relatively little gain, which sucks. And last night, I went to Dave's, had a little "juice" as DJ lovingly refers to adult beverages when story-telling about his college days, and just chilled out. I met some new people, mostly law students, who seem really nice, and then, when the evening was over, I came home and went to bed without setting an alarm.

I still woke up relatively early this morning, went out and took care of a few errands and now, I think I'm just going to go back to bed. The old, high-stress Becky would have thought, "No, must stay away and accomplish things!" The new Becky is going to enjoy the weekend...at least a little. Some work has to been accomplished today...

Insanity is Just Around the Corner

For better or for worse, the insanity begins tomorrow. I start my "Practicum" (a fancy word that translates into "unpaid student teaching"), and my schedule for the next three weeks looks something like this on a day-to-day basis:

7:00-10:15: Work at the Center
10:45-3:00: Go to school and teach 3-4 Science classes
3:30-5:00: Go back to the Center to work
5:00 into the evening: Go to class or, if I am so lucky as to not have class, work desperately to stay on top of reading/projects for these said classes. Oh, also make sure I'm all set to teach tomorrow.
10:00pm: Bedtime (What? I'm pathetic? Yes.)

And then, when the three weeks are over, I get to jump back in and start working overtime to make up for all those hours at the Center I have missed. Ahhh...I love the good old graduate assistantship!

Having said that, I need to go do some reading before I crash at the pathetic hour tonight. I can't WAIT for the 6:00 alarm to sound!

Why Bother?

In the midst of navigating the "interstate teacher licensure maze", I'm starting to wonder whether its all worthwhile.

Vermont is telling me that despite the fact that I have a BA from a top-20 university, two years of teaching experience in middle school science, and a master's degree (soon) in gifted education from one of the top programs in the nation, they don't want to give me a license to teach in their state because I don't have at least a minor in Science.

I guess I kind of see their point. Which makes me wonder whether I should just scrap teaching all together -- I'm not an expert in anything useful in the K-12 classroom (somehow I don't think Psychology is super-marketable to that crowd), so what's the point. In order to deal with the Vermont situation, I essentially have to go back and get the equivalent of a minor in Science courses (great, more useless, non-intrinsically interesting school) or switch teaching subjects to Social Studies, which I might be able to convince someone I have a background in (Psychology is a Social Science, right?).

I feel like I should be strong and keep pushing for what I want to do. But I also don't want to have to deal with this every time I want to move to a new state. Why should I have to be static in my geographic location just because my profession is stupid and can't agree with the state next door who to let teach and who to ban from the classroom?

Maybe now is a good time to look into getting that job with NPR. Or as a pastry chef. Or something else NOT in the classroom. Because people in the classroom don't want me.

If I Didn't Own My New Bike, I Would Covet It

This morning, Dave and I got up at 6:30 to go to the bike sale. Despite something like 60 people being in line in front of us, I got this bike for $10. Granted, it would look nicer if I took the picture outside, with beams of light bouncing off the shiny chrome, but come on...How cool is it? And look. It came with streamers.

I am totally purchasing a basket for it.

You Went What?

Last weekend, I went hiking. Of my own volition. By myself. No peer pressure involved. Everyone who knows me as (quite accurately) unathletic may now scrape your jaws off the floor.

I just needed a little break from work and some quite time, and my friend that I spend a vast majority of my time with had a visitor from out of town, so I thought "Let's get out and see a bit of the Williamsburg area."

I found a park area that had several short trails that could be strung together into a decently long hike, and spent a good hour and a half or so at the park. It was really nice and quiet and lovely, except for one incident: The Deer.

I know that deer are supposed to be gentle and beautiful, but they actually scare the crap out of me. My friend Kathryn's apartment is around the back of the lady's house that she rents from, and it's right next to the woods. One morning, I went to pick her up for the gym, and two deer were literally feet from me staring. I was petrified, and did the "don't make eye contact" walk, hoping they wouldn't attack.

When I was hiking last weekend, there was was point where I was totally absorbed in my thoughts, and suddenly, at a bit of a distance, two deer come tearing through the trees. Not at me, not even near me, but I almost peed myself, wilding thinking "What if they come this way? What do I do? No one is around. AUGH!" I froze, waited until they ran past, and decided to stop my hike at the end of that path, lest they make another appearance.

I got some good pictures on the hike, though.