Stop Counting the Days Away

Tonight, I had a good visit with George, who was in town to play golf. Luckily, he found enough time to take me out to dinner, too. We were talking about my brothers and I, and our varied gifts, and Dad told me that he thought mine was in my goal-setting, and planning and organization to reach those goals, although sometimes I bring stress upon myself to get there. This is totally true, and it got me to thinking about the way I'm approaching things right now, which I mentioned a little earlier today.

I am a great planner. I use my DayTimer like it's my job. But I'm never content with getting things done. On the days when I finish my to-do lists (which, let's be honest, is most days, because I don't like to fail on my list, just like I don't like to fail at anything), I don't take a break and chill out. Instead, I look for the next thing that's coming up that I should get started on early, and then it becomes the project for "now."

Now, this way of thinking has its advantages. I am never late turning in papers. In fact, I often have them done several weeks ahead of time, and this saves me a lot of last-minute stress, which I absolutely hate. However, this frame of mind comes at the expense of giving myself a freaking break. Today, I got a lot done. I effectively got my next week of classes ready for student teaching, with a little room for flexibility. I watched my tape of myself teaching from last week, and filled out the self-observation form. I typed up my discussion questions for my book group for my Lit for Adolescents class. Yesterday, I finished my reading for my Curriculum class for the week, and also got the chapter read in my theory book for the aforementioned lit class. Now, at 11:00, I should just chill out and read one of my self-selected kids books for enjoyment (which also, incidentally, will double as classwork...how cool is that?)

But instead, I feel like I should go get some "academic" reading done, or plan a lesson, or something. I don't want to, but I have a hard time drawing the line. I have time, shouldn't I fill it with schoolwork?

This is also part of the reason that living alone is bad for me. I have little to distract me, and so I work like a fiend.

I look at my schedule for tomorrow, and instead of seeing it as a new day full of opportunities, I see it as a list of hours, some of which are already filled up with things like ballroom dancing and tap dancing classes, and talking with Andy. And I LIKE to do those things. But instead of seeing them as things I get to do, things to look forward to, I start to think of them as things that are taking time away from my schoolwork which, as I mentioned this morning, is not hard, just time-consuming.

I need to do some work on giving myself a break, on enjoying things as they come. I'm a good time manager, and that's great, but life should not be consumed with crossing things off a list, and seeing things not on that list as distractors. Rather, those things that aren't on my list are the things that really make me who I am. I hope I don't define myself as "Someone who plans curriculum" or "Someone who works at the Center for Gifted Ed" or "Someone who writes tests about atoms." Rather, I am "A fiancee to a wonderful and sarcastic man," "someone who hangs out with her friends," and, frankly, "a damn fine tap dancer." Last year, I let myself be defined and consumed by teaching, and now I find myself doing the same thing with schoolwork. And as I look into my future next year and my career as a teacher is questionable, then that's all the more reason not to let myself become defined by my work as a teacher or student. I need to maintain my actual identity that is unrelated to those things, because in 9 months, I may actually be nothing more than a Barnes and Noble employee -- but I'll still be me, as long as I can spend enough time maintaining me to recognize myself when I come out on the other side of this whole experience.