My Thing

Today after work, we had a meeting about professional development, and it was a real thinker for me. A couple things happened. First, we had to brainstorm our strengths and weaknesses, and share them with a group. I ended up in a weird group of people that I'm not sure really like me.

Sidebar: I've having an identity crisis at work. Everyone there is very Vermonty and sporty and outdoorsy, and while I admire that at all, it just so not me. I'm trying to figure out where I fit in socially, and I'm having a hard time. I have one good friend at work, which is nice, but then when she branches out and appears to be making friends with other people, I have panic attacks of "Wait, why don't those people like me? Why are they fascinated with her? What's wrong with me? Why doesn't anyone stop by MY room to chat?" (For the record, I know this is crazy and over-analytical and unhealthy thinking.) So, my theory this week has been to de-stress. I hang in my room, I don't lurk, I get my stuff done, and if socialization happens, it does and at least I'm being authentic and not trying to nose my way into friendships.

Back to today. So I end up in a group of the most outdoorsy and optimistic Vermonters of them all. They are both lovely people, but they're good friends, and I feel, as I've been saying for weeks, that they're just not my people. We have to share our strengths and weaknesses, and comment on each other and how we see them working with students (in a positive affirming way -- this is not as scary as it sounds), so I share with them that I think my strengths lie in the academic: I get how to plan a unit, follow it through, and assess my kids. On the other hand, I suck as working in community and connecting content to real life, which these two are rock-stars at doing.

Their feedback is all positive: "Great job being self-reflective...I think you're very creative with the kids, and you're theatrical! You should add that to the list." But when it gets to be their turn, the discussion centers around their thing.

At our workplace, it is natural for people to fall into a niche, a place where they belong in which they can thrive and share with the community. One guy is the film guy. One guy is the gardening/composting guy. A couple guys are the music guys, and a couple are lit guys. One girl is the artsy girl, another guy is a culinary guy. I desperately want a thing, and these two had them -- outdoorsy rec team-building and literature/speech. And I was left with a vague sense of "Where do I fit in?"

Immediately after that discussion, one of the program directors mentioned that she was starting a group after school that was going to be run like a college class, with journal reading, reflections, and writing assignments. Well, sign me up! I jumped all over that. She also mentioned an aside about how she was thinking about putting together a research piece for a periodical, and I jumped on that as well, approaching her afterward to offer to do research or write protocols or analyze data, etc. This is what I'm good at...unfortunately, it in no way affects our kids, because I can't teach them to be in college classes or write hard-core academic articles. And even if I could...how boring would that be?

So the good for today was the opportunity to participate in some academic stuff in the near future. The negative was realizing that I don't have a niche at work, and, even more depressing, I have no concept of what that niche might be. Part of the issue is that through a lack of communication, they hired me as a math/science teacher (ugh), and as a compromise are letting me teach English and Social Studies, meaning I am, once again, the jack of all trades without an opportunity to specialize in anything.

I guess I should brainstorm a list of "Things I Like to Do and Could Share with Kids." Maybe that will be an upcoming blog entry...